My world...

Experiences – My friends!

2011-10-08T09:36:00.000+05:30

I was all excited about the Goa trip in my last post.. And now I am in Goa. Waiting for the fellows around me to get up and leave to some place!

We have been here for a couple of days now but did we have a lively couple of days? I am not sure what my answer would be.. People look changed as I see them from their earlier days. People change, have to change.. but still I find it a bit difficult to accept that their priorities have changed (so much).

3 or 4 years back, we would have loved to play a game of football in the 1st ground of school and then sit on the tiny wall tired and yet excited that we are together. We would then head to Uday’s home, sit on the compound wall and keep shouting for water. Usually an hour of football would be topped with a couple of hours of fun-filled updates and recollections from the B-section days.

The 2 days here, on the contrast, was filled with foods, drinks and … Unfortunately, I am not really fond of both and definitely not the drinks. Man! food and water are available everywhere on earth. The slow service here in restaurants didn’t help one bit! We have traveled some 200km on 2-wheeler in search of beaches, while one is next our hotel! Neither have we traveled to catch-up with some history of Goa nor did we sit back, relax and talk.

I was telling Purri that, everyone of us has become more defensive and demanding.. every small joke might be taken seriously and every small ‘want’ needs to be taken seriously! I demand we do something else.

Priorities have changed and we have been set into those thinking templates.. thanks to our lives. But, I still feel its always a matter of choice. 11 agreed to come, we are now 9. I am happy that most of us made it till here. I wish we make it memorable for all so that we come back again.

I did have my share of fine moments in the 2 days, especially the drive with Purri, faint recollections of 2nd standard with Tija and the chat with Uppi on Facebook. I enjoy my days here!

–buddi

Memories - my friends!

2011-08-22T19:26:00.000+05:30

Most moments in life are short and become memorable after they are gone…

All of us (friends and classmates) have different experiences and possibly different expectations! We lived close by, yet we were far from each other. We spoke once in a while, yet we were never talked about each other. After sharing benches, lunch and jokes for almost 10 years (may be more) is that all we care about each other? Why is it I know so little about a friend who told me how to dress, how to write and how to play? These questions often eat into my sleep and worse I feel there is none that has the time to listen… purri and uday are exceptions. I sometimes feel that these were among the few people whom I knew a little about and probably they know a bit about me. We wonder whether we were the only few who are stuck-up in our past and want to be so.

I write quite a bit about my friends in Hyderabad, Chennai, Saragur and other places.. most times it is filled with regret. I miss my friends and worse I have no idea of how I can do better than regretting.

A few days back, a bunch of us met at McDonald's and had a great time. It is always a pleasure to recall the old days and re-live our times (most of us had much better sense of humor then), I am sure many wouldn't disagree. How much ever we enjoy as a group, I find it surprising that we need a "good" occasion to meet. This time it was one of us flying off! (I hope he would remember us and come back to meet us some day). Just as we were getting comfortable with the food, the place and more importantly each other some one threw this idea of going to Goa. I felt they had done it very early into the meeting, however, to my surprise almost everyone instantly agreed to be a part of it, putting an end to my cynicism.

As of now, the plan is on and some 11 of us are heading to Goa in the days to come. I am really excited and looking forward for the visit.. actually looking forward to meet my friends again! I really wish all of us make it to the trip and live a few of the moments we might relish all our life. Even as I type this.. I am sure at least few more are dreaming of what we would be doing there in Goa.. lets live it!

--buddi

I am not quite sure of how I wanted to write this. But this is how it came out. This is dedicated to my friends - all those "B" section walas who will make it to the trip and paapi, kabani among many others!

A world within

2011-07-16T20:45:00.000+05:30

I have a world within
interesting and important for me
all the things that made me
and the reasons I never understood for myself

As I find my days are counted
today I want to dig out a few that define me
where do I start and what do I look for
even before I start, here I am confessing...

Its a pot full of memories,
memories that I intend to share here,
I wish I could say they were mine
Alas! the truth stands,
there is nothing that had me alone.

Why so many of these to remember,
why so few people to teach me live,
why so many that I have already lived
why so less time to add a few more?

Day after day as 'My Love' elongates
Day after day as this journey goes ahead
Day after day as I see the inevitable coming
I see myself shrinking in thought,
desperate for shelter and time as I wander across
I feel I will be lost soon.

Where did I start this...
I still say, "I have a world within,
a world so small that can't accomodate any more
a world that never needed anyone more."

I like to LOOK BACK now
nothing much to LOOK AHEAD for
for its you who defined yesterday
for its me who might have to define tomorrow

Even as people say 'enough'
Even as friends say 'enjoy'
I still continue my race with time
I am still looking for a return

--buddi
0228
03 - 09 - 2008

Would you do social work on a week day?

2011-01-01T01:25:00.006+05:30

31st December, 2010

A lazy long day.. this wasn't how I would have like the year to end. And then, this happened..

Infosys has been running SPARK - Rural Reach Program (RRP) which is a one day program that aims at improving awareness of computers and the power of IT among children in rural India. The target audience for this programme is school children of classes 5th to 7th. This is also connected to the PC donation scheme of Infosys.

With regards to the above programme, I was contacted to help coordinate the programme in a Government school in this area. The person from Infosys (may be some manager) explained the thing in brief - some volunteers would be coming and a target audience of 200-300 (later increased to 500) would be reached. Some of her lines shocked me, she stressed on the following - every volunteer would bring their own laptop, none of the volunteers would get paid for coming on a Saturday, it is very fruitful for the students, the program is being conducted all over India for the last 5-6 yrs and it has been a great success, they will provide computers to all school which submit a request within 2-3 months and on on.

Then I asked her - there are more than 50 Higher Primary schools here (surely an underestimate, I don't know the exact figure), is there any selection criteria to organize the programme?

"There is no such criteria. You can select it. We will cover all the schools in the future. There are 1000 or more than 1000 schools in the country, we can't finish all schools at once, we will cover them slowly." And another round of praise for the programme and the volunteers followed.

We decided to work on that and the phone goes dead. The thought kept playing on my head and then suddenly I realized that Saturday is a half-day for schools. So I send her a sms -

"One more constraint, Saturday is a half day for schools. So it might be difficult to have it on a Saturday. Please check for other options.

Praveen"

And the call comes in a while -

The lady on the other end says, "I saw your message now. We have successfully run this programme for so many years. It is very fruitful for the students to spend time with us. It is because our DC suggested this organization we are contacting you. We have so many schools waiting in the pipeline and they invite us to come to their school. Other than Saturdays is not possible as we have a working day in Infosys. We can't do social work on weekdays. Would you do social work on a week day? We are not wasting the time of students beyond 7th and we are not wasting the time of students below 5th. We are only asking for 5th to 7th. I hope I have explained the point. Instead of sending a message, give me a missed call. I will call you back."

And some 45 min later, I get an sms -

"It can be conducted without affecting to their classes please verify with the school head master n let me at the earliest for further arrangements. Trust me from this program lot of govt. Schools have been benifited..thanks for coordinating n Wish u happy new year."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This evening had raised some questions I couldn't quite answer. We live in the corporate era and this conversation exposed some realities for me. We have schools where students find it difficult to write in their mother tongue in High School, students who don't come to school unless they are served the mid-day meal and here is a corporate firm who will send their people on Saturday and expect the school to function full time. We have a person who thinks there are 1000 or more schools in India, and she is the same person who thinks their RRP sessions are very fruitful. Is that true Corporate Social Responsibility? Well, it is for Infosys (which is the best among the lot)!

I would agree that these exposure sessions would be good for children but have they been chalked out well to facilitate the learning process or are they just the picnic visits of those people where they show a few models of laptops? Can you plan to teach a kid without having any knowledge of that kid? Their show of skills (communication and presentation) may vastly undermine the skills of the teacher (in the eyes of the student) with whom the students would have to spend maximum time. Why shouldn't we train teachers? (Training teachers doesn't seem big enough in annual CSR reports, after all we feel more sorry for a child beggar than an old-aged beggar!). The programme may or may not reach the intended goals, however, their lifestyle, culture, etc. may influence the kids in ways we may never understand. May be for good or bad! Who cares what happens to a child in these remote villages, after all the software-walas don't get paid for spending time with that child!

I have questions all over, didn't know where to start and where these would end. This seems to be the harsh reality of the modern world. Why can't CSR be truly for nation building? Why should we be paid for spending a few hours for our nation? In spite of so many questions, I still have a hope that these sessions will help some kid somewhere and I will try to facilitate these sessions until I find answers to at least a few questions.

Would you do social work on a week day?

I don't know what to say for that. May be the answer lies in another question -

Does your hunger take leave on a Sunday? It surely doesn't in the countryside.

--buddi

0119

01 - 01 - 2011

Dangers of a good resource

2010-11-27T00:31:00.001+05:30

Dangers of a good resource
"Imagine a few balls held together and stationary at a place. Now imagine several small balls revolving around the balls at the centre, like what happens in our solar system. Except that the sun is replaced by a group of balls... Are you able to see what I am saying?"
"We don't understand it, just show us the Learnext videos" replies a student.

SILENCE! It was a very irritating silence. This was what happened in one of my classes recently. It wasn't a welcome sign to get back to teaching after a long gap. The last couple of weeks or so have been challenging for me to revive my interest and moreover accept the circumstances and plan my way ahead. I have had 2 very disturbing experiences - one of them was the above and the other with a group of teachers.

On November 13th, I was addressing was a gathering of 86 primary school science teachers at the Block Resource Centre at H D Kote. On the evening of the previous day I was given a list of topics of science to talk about. I chose topics primarily from physics and spent about 6 hours planning for the programme. I tried to stay within the syllabus of the Higher Primary School and wanted to primarily clarify their conceptual doubts. But only later did I realize that I got it wrong. I was of the opinion that if I can help teachers understand the concepts, they would put in their efforts to come up with newer ideas and customize their teaching as per the students in their classes. But what teachers were looking forward from this "training programme" was a ready-made package which they could directly deliver in a class. They just wanted to be postmen who deliver letters on time and in good condition (They just don't want to break your head about the content).

The other incident was something on these lines again. In both cases, the teachers and students have access to resources - wonderful teaching materials, teaching aids and so many other things. Our world is surely a smaller place. Now a days, our teachers are able to teach better and students are able to understand better. But nothing comes for free.Teachers understand lesser and students think even lesser. All the teaching aids we have, have made the teachers and students less creative. They can't imagine abstract things, read lesser! Any small challenge in front of them and they are looking for support.

This is going to affect the creativity of teachers and students. I have seen quite a few students come up with ready made kits as part of their projects! What is happening? Are we ever going to break our heads, burn our fingers and dirty our dress for understanding how something works and may be get something to work. When resources are limited... thats when everything happens. I think it is time for us to have a look at the resources more critically and then decide what is that we need the most.

--buddi
0029
27 - 11 - 2010

Ambiguous goals

2010-11-10T20:17:00.005+05:30

I have been having several ideas for the last few months but have written about hardly any. So, here I decided to at least write briefly about a few. Ambiguity is rooted in almost every move of our daily routine. Here are some questions I have..

Ambiguous goals - Every time we set our goals, we deeply rely on our resources and instincts so much that we rarely give importance to how we actually set our goals. I wouldn't call it a mistake that we do as it gives us a chance to reflect back on how we would have done better. Learning from experience (and not mistakes)! Here are my examples -

How does GRID operate? When I founded GRID, I thought I was very clear with my goals. GRID would work on agriculture, education and rural technologies; and myself being comfortable with the educational sector (just a feeling that I could do something) made that my immediate priority. I went ahead and discussed my ideas with several people and many seemed quite interested. We conducted competitions, workshops and held discussions in schools and with teachers in varied schools and have had a good response almost everywhere. We were approaching someone or were being approached, thought over what they needed (our thoughts), packaged it into some workshop or competition and then delivered it. However, today after 4 years of work and thought behind me, I have this doubt - did I get it right? And I started pushing my ever reliables, Anirudh and Sneha, to think. What exactly were our goals? Who was our target group? What was our strategy? We seemed to have played around with those according to our convenience.
What made IKC the ultimate goal of IViL? This issue involves a lot of us and I don't speak for them. The idea of setting up IKC at Natham was thrown up Prof. JBL at a time when IViL had energy in the form of new members and a laboratory in the form of Natham. It came at a time when many questioned why we were still sticking onto Natham. IKC was meant to be the perfect answer from a technological institute group for the rural people's needs. It was meant to facilitate a knowledge exchange between us and the people there. A perfectly running IKC was meant to be our stepping stone onto exploring possibilities in other villages, in a way saying GOOD BYE to Natham. After going through few of the reports prepared by the MSI students, IKC for me had a great vision and if achieved would be one of the best accomplishments of the group. As we went into the discussion, planning and implementation stages, we forgot to ask questions - Is this needed? (I don't remember any of us discussing whether IKC is needed) Is this the best way? (Much of our planning and implementation were never synchronized, leading to a lot noise in the group) Where does this lead to? (Many of the problems with the IKC were not surprising) And finally the big question - What did we learn? We had problems in answering every question. We were so obsessed with the idea of getting it running and then getting out of Natham that we never cared to think of those. I feel we as a group lacked clarity in what and why we were doing.
Where is SciTour heading? Another group, another idea, another time. SciTour was launched on Jan 1st, 2010 to publish articles to help people enjoy science.

In all of the 3 cases above, I feel we lacked clarity in what our goal was. We were just doing those because we felt that we were good at it. Is that the way to select to do something? Today I would say NO.

I feel it would be much better for us to set our goals first and then do everything that requires to be done to achieve those goals. In case of Natham, had our goal been to help it become a socially, economically, environmentally and culturally a better place to live in - we would still be there in Natham trying to get more people to use toilets, more kids to go to schools, more of the SHGs functioning, work with the farmers to build sustainable and profitable agricultural processes and get people to mingle with each other breaking down the caste barriers in the village. Alas, that isn't the case. When I look back at my journey in the last 4 years and interactions with different people - much has changed. I have learnt a lot from these experiences. However, somewhere deep inside I know they are mistakes (and not experiences).

--buddi

0225

16 - 11 - 2010

The "Dark Energy" in my life

2010-10-27T00:41:00.003+05:30

The "Dark Energy" in my life! Sounds crazy to me, sounds crazy to most...

Dark Energy, the invisible energy, of my life have been the people around - they make me, they define me. Very few have contributed but have contributed way too much. Most of us don't realize how much each can influence us when they are around and only when they are gone do we realize that... thats not really the case in my life. At least a few times..

I wrote the above lines a long while back here and I dozed off. Today I am sitting on the terrace on a cool night with people around me. People brought to life after a long conversation with a friend.

Only two people... once eating ice cream, once searching for books in Higginbothams, once sitting in the robotics lab and preparing presentations, once sitting as strangers across a table and having lunch, once staying awake through out the night chatting, once writing letters, once sleeping while typing a message, once in a group to have coffee, once walking past fearing that it might be last, once facing each other with a 'how-come' face, once a pleasant talk, once a violent silence, once a missing link, once at the British council, once at the Onam celebrations, once at Hot Chips, once at Dhabba Express, once on road post mid-night in search of food..

Well, that is several times. 'Chikku' and myself have been friends for a short span (relatively) and have been great friends. Sometimes together and sometimes alone, I did enjoy a different friend in her. Starting from the 'arrogant' fellow as she mentioned me to a good friend now, we have moved on and on. I once feared that I would never be able to meet her again to a reassuring feeling that I can always meet her, every moment is a relishing memory in itself. Many of which I just can't explain. Chikku is surely a special friend. Why?

I don't know..

Not everyday we get good friends and not every friendship is special. Very true! We just need to care to hold them together...

Am I at the right place?

2010-09-27T06:29:00.002+05:30

Sitting in Anirudh's home, Bangalore... All software-walas still sleeping!

I am all set to go and meet the Prema Vidya team. By the mails exchanged, it looked like the team are expecting a 'different' person. This doubt and the experience at the Annual General Body Meeting yesterday, complemented by the several others, cements my doubt - Am I at the right place? Or to be more truthful, Am I the right person to work at this place?

Some of my friends might just laugh off, saying - you are just being modest. But modesty is not supposed to trouble mentally! My life has always been in mediocrity, choosing to do well and show commitment only when it was pleasing to me. And around me, at SVYM, are people who have achieved a great deal all through their life, topping almost everything they did and they did everything with utmost sincerity.

I, on the other hand, did almost nothing completely seriously. I found Calculus by Thomas & Finney more interesting than 10th board exams, Tendulkar's sixes against Akthar and Caddick in the World Cup more memorable than PUC, reading nuclear chemistry more important that preparing for IIT JEE, football and morning jogs more relieving than the sleep before exams at IIT, my nuclear physics project more worthy than any other BTech course and on and on. As a result and as expected, I did nothing that I would really be proud of. I left IIT feeling that the degree didnt mean anything to me and I dont know when I may get that. (I dont regret that) And here I am surrounded by people who have accumulated gold medals and gold medals.

I still stand by the opinion that the degree means nothing to me and knowledge is more valuable, and so I wonder - am I the right person to work at this place? I am just too playful..

-- buddi

0706

27 - 09 - 2010

PS: I did win a couple of gold medals in school for being named in the football and cricket teams for the inter-house tournaments. Do they count?:-)

Random thoughts

2010-08-16T11:22:00.005+05:30

Random thoughts – Independence Day (15^th August 2010)

On the very same day, last year I was here. It was a different experience then. As Anirudh put it, on our way back, 24hrs of the Independence Day well utilized! That was quite a while back! Things have really changed now… back then I was the known-unknown. People at the VSOE knew that there was a fellow coming from Chennai; had released some newsletter and went back. I knew Malathi and Anitha, and I met Dr Padmaja and Dr Bindu to give them a copy of the newsletter (I was very confused between Dr Padmaja and Dr Sridevi at that time). I hardly remember any interaction with Prathima and other staff here.

Today was better. I knew almost everyone at the school and many at the SVYM function. From a visitor, I have grown to be a volunteer and a friend in this place. I have participated in the discussion in the Recreation Committee meetings and to have some extent influenced the way the event was organized. The interaction with Dr MAB was as insightful as any of the earlier ones. The discussions on Independence vs. Swaraj and Equality vs. Equity were thought-provoking. These followed by the visit to Mysore made the day even more exciting. Prathima, Sophia and Sumalatha were there all along. Some eating, shopping, window-shopping, again eating and the long travel back made up our trip. I have had a really great time with them, especially Prathima. She has been one of my best friends here and is like anyone else. But the simplicity and openness to suggestions and ideas just puts her one step beyond. Another new place, another new friend… this surely is one thing I am always happy about – I find a friend everywhere (not in everyone though). It was yet another memorable day for me here. Not because of the work but thanks to the people around…

Yet another Independence day, yet another year. Life seems to be running fast, a cause for concern. So much to do, so less time to do. I am almost always caught up in a fix where I really find it difficult to strike a balance between 'productive work' and friends. Is it always a trade-off? I just can't find the answer. Nevertheless, either way I choose I still have the satisfaction of doing justice to one of my prime interests. Well.. eventually I would find the balance I just hope I don't run out of fuel before that. This entry I am sure ran all over the place and hence the title 'random'. This was supposed to be about the people - people who guide and people who befriend.

--buddi

I Discover Myself

2010-08-04T10:36:00.005+05:30

I Discover Myself

SVYM, My Experiences - 3

I am 6 months old now. As always – it has been a great journey so far. I can’t help it, that’s always the first line. 6 months already… I just can’t believe it, time seems to have flown by. I still have an entry to be posted three months back (editing going on, no need for it anymore). It is only these incomplete blog entries, bookshop bills and travel tickets flying around and a heavy bag of memories which give me a feel of the 6 months.

I have learnt a bit, traveled a lot and enjoyed the most. Some special moments – removal of stitches on the toe, “Room Clean” to “Clean Room” (RC2CR) Program, “spherical” balls of dough for chapatti, clinical trials of lady’s finger and potato deep fry, lunch invitations, pumping fists and cartwheeling (attempt) in computer lab after the success of a program, preparations for ERB (Online coursework :P), a six over the cover in the evening cricket match (ball went missing), diving with kids in water canals (unfortunately the water was only knee deep), long drives to Hosahalli, Pi day question paper, high fives after scoring the goals (short fives with Anup and Pranav), the unexplainable theatre (oops.. it’s a tent!), the frustrated kick which left the toe in pain for 10 days, students laughing at my jokes (happens pretty frequently), science club, midnight birthday parties, innumerable snack sessions, sleep inducing ‘resource person’ talks (should consider attending more of those), surprise trip to Trivandrum on friend’s birthday, trips to Siddapura & Thirunelli, “bad at eating” talks with Malathi, the 30min sleep after the posters preparation slog, Beatrice & Virgil, everyday walks (out of boredom, excitement, frustration), the new pairs of shoes for football, yes / no thinking sessions, 4 days when I did nothing, photography trials, phone calls running into hours … on and on.

Yes, they were 6 long months - flooded with thoughts and memories, every moment offering something to learn. I keep telling people about this place and would continue to. People have been very helpful and share their experience with me. While it has been difficult to get into the system (roles, rules and expectations), it had been an even greater challenge to gain acceptance from people. During my stay at IIT, I have been made villain many a times because I raise questions (places which taught science didn’t encourage questions) and talk about ‘actual’ work. This place has been more kind on me; people take questions and dig for answers. Few of my interactions with Dr MAB have been memorable. There have been situations where I couldn’t decide or talk straight to people. From the indefinite thoughts and discussions, I learnt that no person can be bigger than the organization itself.

There are several things a good room and a beautiful countryside can’t provide, we need people around. Dr MAB and Dr Sridevi have been very helpful all the way. Every time I walked into Dr MAB’s office with a question/doubt, I have come out laughing at myself. Foolish Praveen went with a silly doubt! Hours or sometimes days of thinking haven’t given me answers anywhere close to that of Dr MAB. His friendly nature and strive for perfection have been great inspirations. While Dr MAB gave me a chance to explore my work, Dr Sridevi has given me the chance to run wild in anything I could think of (ERB, Database, GIS ...). Living with my constant overshoots of deadlines, I still wonder how she keeps her cool. Everyone here, in their own way, has influenced my life. I would only belittle their influence by a ‘Thank you’, so no attempts.

In October 2009, I confessed to a friend that I didn’t know where I was heading and wanted some time to clear my head. And so I came to SVYM to learn about NGOs and simultaneously plan for future. I haven’t chosen this over my career, this is my career. I just hope to continue in this domain for a long time to come, there is no turning back. Here or somewhere else.. Wherever!

These months have been my most creative and productive after school. I have started enjoying myself a lot, a childhood which I once enjoyed in school. I Discover Myself.

--buddi

A day I lived..

2010-07-19T22:57:00.002+05:30

I lived a day today,

I live a day,

some alive some dumb.

I live a day,

a day of memoirs of life,

a day worthy of note, a day forgettable,

many etched into and drawn from,

another day I lived in my life.

What difference does it make,

today or another, o life!

I had by me a friend,

one who lives life,

smiles outside and taught to smile inside,

a friend I had today.

What more do I ask, o life!

--buddi

1915

17 - 07 - 2010

I like it but I don't want it

2010-06-25T05:18:00.005+05:30

Ravi is a 7th grade student in a reputed school and has been asked to do a project work on freedom fighters by his social science teacher. He has to read and write about 2 freedom fighters, attach relevant photographs and then give a talk in the class. For him it was a daunting task.

As he sat at his table pondering over what could be done, his father comes over and asks him, "Whats wrong?"

"I have a project work on freedom fighters. Don't know what to do!"

"Who are freedom fighters you have selected?"

"Unable to decide. I want to take someone about whom I can get maximum information."

"That is not the way you should select.. Select one who inspires you most. I will help you in the work". Ravi smiles, the reassuring pat from his father had boosted his confidence.

"Should I select Chandrashekar Azad and Bhagat Singh?"

"Both are revolutionaries... How about selecting one who believed in non-violence?"

"But I like them the most along with Subash Chandra Bose, Alluri Sitaramaraju, Rajguru."

Ravi was a bit hurt that his father wasn't giving the full freedom. Ravi's father wasn't surprised at the choices,"I like the revolutionaries!" he himself had told all his friends and teachers in his student days.

As he smiled, he said, "How about Bhagat Singh and Chandrashekar Azad?"

"Ya.. those are the ones I told"

"In alphabetical order... " They laughed and the work began. The following days were memorable for the both as they shared the stories they had read about the revolutionaries - how they fought, what they sacrificed, how they were respected and many more. The project work was a time which changed Ravi. He now felt more responsible for his country now and sang the nathional anthem with pride. He no longer questioned why he should be standing in attention while he sang.

About 10 years later...

Ravi is sitting at the same table. He has his 7th grade project in front of him. It had been one of his most valued items all these years. The memories almost moved him to tears. He was still inspired by the same leaders. Ravi was in the final year of his MBBS. He was going to be a doctor. He had finally found an answer for his quest for a direction in life.. he wanted to join the armed forces.

His interest didnot impress his parents. In the days following his announcement, Ravi had to face a lot of heat from his parents. There were few lines he just couldn't forget -

"We didn't spend so much money for that!"

"We have made so many sacrifices to see you at this stage"

"What sort of a person are you? The whole world is moving in one direction and you say you want to go against it! There should be equal importance for interest and money."

"Nothing is going to happen in this country. Why do you want to waste your life on that?"

Days passed and Ravi was lost. He was unable to decide between what he wanted to do and what his parents wanted him to. The confusion led him to think about what his father had told him ten years ago..

"That is not the way you should select.. Select one who inspires you most." Was he mistaken? Was choosing a topic for a project different from choosing what to do in life?

"Why does my father like freedom fighters and still not let me try to do something like them?"

Deep questions to be answered...

I like it but I don't want it

There is always a conflict in what we like and what we want. The above story was an illustration of the struggle that goes on in eveyone's life. Smaller than this and at times larger.. Why?

I don't have an answer. This is something for all of us to think about... wouldn't life be more 'rewarding' and lively when we do what we like (with a bit of sanity). WE LIKE SPICE but WE WANT SUGAR! It would be too harsh to call it hypocrisy but most times we all are. We hardly care about what a person on the other side feels about the same.

A sad example for this are the sales representatives. I feel sorry for them, they work really hard - walking around in the sun, talking and convincing us, answer irrelevant questions and above all explain things with a smiling face. (I mean.. who would look at our uninteresting and uninterested face and keep smiling). This surely is one of the toughest job.

Does a customer care about how the sales fellow feels, does a father care about how the son feels, does a teacher care about how the student feels, do I care about how you feel? May be it is the time to start thinking, make sensible decisions and respect other choices.

--buddi

"To support my family I have to do this job. I don't like this but what to do..."

Non-sense! Don't you like supporting your family? Is it not your interest?

This article is a compilation of my thoughts based on my interactions with parents. Everyone likes APJ, Sachin Tendulkar, Vivekananda, Gandhi, Kalpana Chawla, Tagore, Gates, Che Guevara and so on, but they don't want their children to be like that. There is a lot of "risk". Are we "safe" otherwise?

Why I chose to be what I want to be

2010-06-18T05:06:00.012+05:30

There are several people who keep asking me questions like.. Why did you join the development sector? Why did you want to become a teacher? Why did you start GRID? Why did you quit IViL? Why did you join SVYM? Why do you take classes at ABS? Why did you choose nuclear physics? Why did you drop nuclear physics for neuroscience? And the best of all.. Why are you ruining your career at SVYM?

"Just trying out different things!"

And suddenly in most cases there would be an expression of shock or giving up on me. Most of the times I don't have convincing answers. However, it is an interesting exercise to look back and think of why I chose to be what I wanted to be (Sometimes / Many times what we want to be is different from what we choose to be). This is my search for those answers and a look into if I still do it.

Why I chose to be a teacher & my experiences..

My first assignment as a teacher was to spend some time with the students of 7th class on weekends and get some pocket money. The first few days of my class were mechanical - a presentation (given to me by my employer), few students and a blackboard. As the students changed and as I got used to the "drill" I started realizing that in the name of a foundation programme (for competitive exams :P), parents were being cheated and students were being tortured. I never really understood, why parents wanted to pain their children with these classes on weekends.

To answer my conscience, I had broken off from the traditional way and started discussing rather than lecturing. Things suddenly looked changed, the kids were more active and interactive and I was sure they learnt more this way. Very soon, I stopped using the presentations and discussions.. we got into a story telling mode. 5 of us, sit in a circle and tell something that was related to that day's theme. We used to have two sessions of 1.5hrs each and in between there was a round of badminton. We all used to enjoy it! The kids suddenly had so many things to tell me. I learnt one of the first lessons as a teacher - students have so much to say, we just need to give them a chance.

I did have to bear the heat from my employer and I was forced out but I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a teacher. I didn't want to step outside the class and say "My class in over"... I wanted to be a mentor. I had envied many of my teachers and tried imitating them. That is what being a teacher is more about - not just teach science or social but being a role-model in every sense. The dressing, body language, language, behavior is all looked at very closely by our students, I was learning all of these. As I started enjoying it more, there were more issues troubling me and I set out to change at least a few. I started talking to teachers and wanted to change the way few things were being done. Hit road-blocks at most places!

In my quest to understand more, I began to teach several age groups... those in the age group of late 20s to 6th standard kids. It was a very different experience, learnt new things. Students tend get more conscious about their surroundings and neighbors with age, even getting a doubt clarified would become very difficult. Unknowingly I had started observing the psychology of the students - changes in it and the external influences. It was interesting to note how a child's thought process changes.. my first case study was myself, how small and seemingly unimportant things change our attitude towards life. It was nice to come up with a chronological order of events and relate to how they brought about the crests and troughs. This became one of the motivations for me to take a class to the ground and then observe the students - how they play, how they get involved, how they interact and so on. With a better understanding of the kids we would be in a position to relate better.

From being a teacher, there was a stage when I wanted to teach teachers how to teach. I just didn't say this to any teacher but that was what I meant.. I was sick of the tiring and quiet lectures. I was hated at most places, people started feeling insecure! I have neither had the qualification and experience to be a teacher nor did I read any books. I was questioned repeatedly. I am grateful to SVYM for having had faith in me.

Still the compound walls exist, most times wherever I go, people think I am more of an intrusion. I don't believe in bribing students with stars on the conduct chart, I want to be a 'teacher' not a maths/science textbook interpreter, I have to close eyes in the assembly for the kid to learn from me rather than keep a watch on them and punish whoever doesn't do it, I have to respect every high school student to make them respect each other, I have to leave behind my ego or other personal issues to work with the entire team to create a better environment for the kids to learn, I am sure none of these makes me a bad teacher and I hope I can be accepted as a fellow teacher or want-to-be-teacher. I no longer try to preach to teachers, that was a failed experiment. It is an emotionally more satisfying exercise to work with students than teachers!

The talks on "Brain & Psychology" and "Research in education" which I gave at VTTRC (Thanks to P Mahesh, Principal, VTTRC) have been my most memorable moments as a teacher. They were entirely based on my experiences as a teacher, giving examples of students I had observed. Though they would have been unorthodox, I can now proudly say I can talk for 3 hours on what I learnt from my experiences. Every place I go to - students are different, cultures are different. It is as if I am starting all over again. The journey goes on... I still WANT TO BE A TEACHER.

--buddi

0843

18 - 06 - 2010

PS: I have always avoided taking classes and feel uncomfortable if I have to in the Primary School, as it takes a teacher to be of high morals to teach and shape the minds. And I am surely not of the high morals.

"I guess I would need only 194mg of the paracetamol"

2010-06-17T02:00:00.007+05:30

Kabani had fever and cold since morning. She was aware that there was no definite cure for that. Kabani had once committed herself to finding an answer for this, but still had a long way to go. Her mother accompanied her to the hospital. As they waited before the cabin of the physician, she asked her mother, “Am I too old for a pediatrician?”.

Her mother's reply was a gentle smile followed by, “ssshhhhh!”

Kabani was waiting for her name to be called out. It was a long wait in the Out Patient Department of the hospital. She was going through the posters put up on the walls of the corridor.

“So many of them! The world is still an unhealthy place...”, she thought. Some had meaningful and useful information with interesting slogans, while others had horrifying photographs of people suffering described using some scientific terms. Kabani was happy she understood most of them.

“Thanks to the school library.”

The place she was living in had been deprived of primary health and education for quite a while, but its a different place now. Kabani was among the many high school students who benefited from the health centre and school library set up by the community.

********************

The doctor was quick in what he did. He scribbled a few names on the sheet. “My hand-writing is better than his!” Kabani told her mother with a sense of achievement. Suddenly, she felt greater than the doctor. She was asked to take cetrizine and 250mg of paracetamol after every meal.

Kabani had reservations with the prescription, “Oh, this cetrizine is going to make me sleep now. Doctor, I guess I would need only 194mg of the paracetamol!”

The doctor knew what exactly she was talking about, he smiled.

“Unfortunately, we still don't get tablets having 194mg of that!”

*******************

That is the world I would like to see in a few years -

A girl child, in the countryside (no longer "remote"), is educated and is interested in doing research and fighting diseases. She has access to primary health facilities and doesn't hesitate to ask questions.

Even the medical system has improved. Each patient is different and the medicines have to be prescribed as per their exact requirements (having some computational models to give an exact estimate of how much of the drug is needed). Too much of a pain now but may be in the next few years it could be possible. Deep understanding of how our body functions (esp. brain) would be possible. Through dissection we can understand our heart but not our brain!

--buddi

PS: Slightly broken up thoughts, hope they make sense.

Tired.. Some don't know that!

2010-06-15T20:12:00.001+05:30

Tired...

@ 11:50 pm, I just returned from the Dr. Ananth's office. Preparations are fully on the Parliamentary Standing Committee's Study Tour to SVYM. Making some posters for the various activities for the tribals... branded as the "Poster Boy"!

Today was a nice day, got a chance to meet Dr.Balu... finally! I had been longing to meet him for long... almost 2 years I guess. Though have been in constant touch with him through mails, a face-to-face meeting is always special. No person other than Mr. N G Bhat has ever inspired me more than Dr.Balu. He is a source of energy... “We can do it, We should do it!” Obviously, we have to be really hard-wired to say a NO. I asked him today, how he found time for everything.. his answer was simple... “I have the same 24hrs.. interest..” don't remember the exact line. He was correct, it was just a matter of how we wanted to use it and may be how badly we wanted to do something.

I just got my dose of energy, will take it from there... Looking forward for working with Dr.Balu.

Good night!

0009

Mobile Science Labs - An Experience

2010-05-18T22:40:00.006+05:30

In the last 3 months of my work at SVYM, I have tried my hand in different things. Not academically eligible for any but I did manage to learn quite a bit. I plan to put some of my observations of various projects I have seen in last 4years in a series of articles here. Most of the projects I have taken interest in, work for improving educational standards in rural areas. This article is on Mobile Science Lab projects. Written for the group "All about science" it is a bit messy, I hope to improve the quality of writing slowly.

MOBILE SCIENCE LABS - Where do they start? Where do they stop?

For the last decade or more, mobile science labs have become a very popular idea for almost all NGOs and sometimes Government bodies. IViL took one to Natham! A simple Google search would give you several tens of news articles on the inauguration of a mobile science lab and even more photographs of the van / auto / lorry with some kids, and a celebrity! Though we are informed well about the inauguration and their plans, we are almost always left in the dark when it comes to the outcome of these projects. I am a part of a mobile science lab project myself, and this is an account of my experiences and unanswered questions - A hypothesis.

All mobile science lab projects aim at improving scientific temperament of students, providing infrastructure and human resource support to schools, primarily in the rural areas. Though the priorities and strategies might change a bit - the objectives and contents are almost always same. However, brain and beauty never go together! May be a bit biased but a comparative study of the two classes.

A couple of months back, I was at Agastya International Foundation, Kuppam, Andhra Pradesh. A 172 acre campus with 6 "BT lunch room sized" labs", full size cricket, football and basketball fields, a "Discovery" centre, in-house workshop, over 40 mobile vans and resource persons coming from Bangalore, Chennai and other places. Strategically placed where the three big southern states meet, it is a beautiful campus. The optical illusion display section in the "Discovery" centre was bigger than a couple of labs put together. Right from Guest rooms to the dinning plates to the office, everything shows crores of rupees being poured in. They claimed to have reached over 2 million children and 70,000 teachers. One of the striking features of the program is that they concentrate more reaching more students. A student will get a chance to visit a particular lab in the campus only once a year. Would that be enough? In sharp contrast is the SVYM project, Vignana Vahini. One mobile van, one coordinator, 20 schools, visiting each school once a month. Involving the local teachers to demonstrate the science experiments covered in that particular month, Vignana Vahini provides them the necessary equipment and raw materials. This is a model I believe in now (not necessarily the better). However, sometimes even the once-a-month visits aren't enough to sustain the interest of students for a month, what then? However, both models preach a hands-on experience and an experiential learning and though they have been successfully implementing these there is a large scope for improvement. The number of students being handled is a also a limiting factor.

Agastya has a very interesting concept of identifying the talented students in the sessions they take up and these students are made to participate in some science fair etc. However, the students themselves don't prepare the things for demonstration, they are only taught how to explain! With a workshop readily available in-house, Agastya prepares demonstration models with great ease. This kills creativity among the students and teachers - they hardly dirty their hands. In a couple of science exhibitions conducted recently, I had seen students explaining with ready-made kits. The concept works directly against Agastya's tag line - "Sparking creativity". Where do we start? And where do we stop? The kids selected in these sessions could act as the student-tutors and enhance peer-to-peer learning. Well the idea seems to be good, implementation presents a new set of challenges.

It is a fact that all the "best" B.Eds become government teachers (because they undergo a pretty tough selection process). However, the government post makes them good at counting money! Whatever teacher-force we hire outside or whom we have are all the second best. Be it the "well-trained" faculty at Agastya or the coordinators of our project none of them is as good as the government teachers. It is directly observable in the classes they take. However, well-trained someone is, only their vocabulary, body-language and methodology might change but their classes will be plagued with hundreds of conceptual mistakes. (A 'serious' common feature in most projects). They have equipments, they have resource persons but they are just not the best teachers. At Agastya, I had observed that the school teachers were alienated from the sessions going on (may not be the case always) and our project at SVYM involves the teachers too much. Both extremes are risky and will lead to a collapse of the whole mechanism.

How do me monitor the progress / impact of the whole project? How do we assess how a mobile science lab influenced a student's life? How do we calculate by how much percentage the student's scientific temperament has gone up? :P I wish we could just wait for a generation to pass by and then look at a possible change these projects would have brough about. Isn't enough to just be happy with the verbal approval of all students that these ideas help them? The answer is a NO. Improvisation is always possible, and we should be doing justice to the money that goes in. How is that money better spent on a mobile science lab and a health or sanitation programme? Justification, monitoring, feedback and reshaping are important, however no project I know of has these mechanisms in place and hence there is now news of a mobile science lab running successfully.

Intentions are right but implementation is never the best. The should be a blend of several mechanisms and a new system should evolve to best meet the needs of varied groups of children. Agastya is creating a spark in the fast-learners, SVYM keeps hitting and hitting until the moderate-learners pick up, what do we have for the slow learners? Should they continue to be the neglected batch? Several questions like these leave our projects severely handicapped. They need a deep thinking!

Questions to be answered -

1. Show up once in a year at some school do a couple of experiments and move on, to see as many schools as possible.

Show up once a month in every school, conduct some experiments, competition, give reading materials - just concentrate on this smaller group.

Which one is better? Which has more impact?

2. Monitoring, feedback and performance analysis of the whole project. How do we do these? How do we find out whether it is helpful for the students?

3. Other contributing factors - It has been observed that some schools with science labs are not really able to help the students. So just providing infrastructure won't help. Which are other contributing factors that could help the cause of the project?

4. Teacher's role is unquestionable in education. To what extent should they be made a part of our project?

5. Usage of ready-made models for demonstration - Yes/No? Till what extent?

--buddi

18 - 05 - 2010

Sleepless nights at SVYM

2010-05-07T00:30:00.009+05:30

This is a part of the letter to few of my friends and a teacher... I am yet to post the letter, felt like putting it up here.

It has been quite a few days since I have slept well in my room here at SVYM.. too many thoughts, too many things to do. I am having sleepless night here. Feels very awkward to say this and I have not been too successful to put my thoughts together. So much confusion in life around me, even greater confusion in my life.

Things have not been too good in the world around. A group of kids (may be some 12yrs old) trying to blow out some smoke onto my face from thrown away cigarette filters, a student securing 9/625 in SSLC exams, a politician making 700cr a day, BEO asking for extra bills so that he could pocket the extra funds, a cabinet minister sexually assaulting his friend's wife, naxalites brutally murdering 73 jawans, a corrupt Chief Justice of a high court being transferred to another, a school with a single teacher who handles 4 subjects for the students, corruption beyond imagination, a 52yr old citizen turning into a traitor and spy, thousands dying of starvation when rice is being sold at Rs2/kg, crores of crores rupees of black money (an estimated amount of 75 lakh crores is in Swiss bank accounts and Indian budget is of the order a lakh crores), a hungry kid feeding his dog, an elderly man crying helplessly for his ill wife, an eloping couple, and so on. The last three months of travelling have shown me life beyond the safe haven I had lived in.

It has been a testing time for me, the last few days - a test of humanness. Eating food and spending money has become a bit difficult now. I just can't digest the fact that there is so much going wrong around us. I hate myself for being a part of this system - we have to go and lick that BEO's *** from tomorrow to try to help a few students. We all form a society and almost everyone accepts that what is going on is not right, but can't take that one step to help someone. No one can be blamed, it is the sad part in this world... people follow. We need an inspiration to lead us.

I am a part of a NGO, I thought I was helping people but there is so much missing. "A caring and equitable society free of deprivation and strife" thats our vision - sweet and far far away. What good am I when I can't make even one person's life free of deprivation and strife. We have several tools to support us, we just need to make the right use - education, courts, RTI and above all having faith that justice will done. We have to tear apart the evils which plague us generation after generation.

The solitude and the climate I enjoy here is something that reminds me of my native place. They give me the space to try to understand the dynamics of life. In those cloudless nights, somewhere in the darkness around me, there is a great deal happening that eludes me.. I have have found some inspiration and energy to look beyond my "career" (this is my career and would be this way). Some day I would like to make myself happy feeding that hungry kid, helping that old woman, help that student pass SSLC, use at least a bit of the available money to help the deprived... I hope to, no matter where that takes me and what it costs. May be thats what is soul searching!

--buddi

0211

07 - 05 - 2010

PS: I am still writing the letter, will finish it soon.

2 birthdays, 2 different days - 2

2010-04-21T08:31:00.006+05:30

Kabini, as beautiful as ever!

2 birthdays, 2 friends.. 2 very different days

Exactly a year ago, I wrote a similar article about the same people. Time flies by, people change, surroundings change but friends and feelings hardly wither.

Uday still doesn't care about his birthday so I didn't waste my balance.. though I wished him I hoped that ManU wins on his birthday (which did happen!). And Uday still remains indifferent to wishes... :P. Well, thats him.. that the fellow I have always known. Now its 13 years and counting. This entry is about my other friend...

For the other, Bhavani, I had bought a card 364 days back and have been carrying it along with me to all the places I have visited. I couldn't get a gift for her... no reasons, just didn't know what to give. In the last one year, several things had happened... she chose to take up a job. I am touch with her but its never the same we were. We are no longer team-mates at the voluntary work, we no longer have chats over nights, no ice creams and coffee treats. We have moved on in our careers but I am still stuck at Satheesh's lab for the team meetings, Coffee day for the treats, Higginbothams for buying books for the library at Natham, British Council for taking membership, OAT for watching movies with other gang.. the list would go on. Not complaints.. just memories!

On April 18th, when I was travelling between Sargur and Mysore.. I was still having the card with me.. too late! I found out that there was a bus travelling from Mysore to Trivandrum and 2 tickets were left... GAME ON. Within moments, I decided to travel 750 km to deliver the card and meet my friend. That evening I found myself travelling in the last seat of the bus. It was a wonderful journey.. I always enjoy travelling and this has been my best. I have never felt so emotional or never has any trip brought back so many memories. When I did reach the place after a few hiccups and over 14hrs of travel, I finally saw her running from place to place in the bank.

I sat down and started reading a book... for almost two hours I was there but she never noticed me. When I saw her settle down in her chair... "Excuse me ma'am... your card". A flash of silence... I couldn't speak anything. I think that was the best feeling of a reunion I have ever had. She was equally surprised. I left the place immediately and we met later after the office hours for some time. And then I started back...

That was it. Nothing special happened.. but I came back with a heavy heart. I could barely sleep all night - I just didn't want to have only memories, I knew thats what I would be left with. I traveled over 1500km to meet my friend on her birthday. No one has so far asked me if I was insane after this incident (I have been careful not to tell such people). I know I am not, I have just had the best journey of my life - through the green, hilly landscapes of Wayanad, through the memorable days at college.

We have never been friends for long, we have never been long lost friends. We have just been special friends. Bhavani's blankness, when she saw me, is going to stay with me for a long time. I can never write about my happiness and satisfaction about meeting my friends. But, why not try... I might just inspire myself to meet another friend. Promises made, promises kept and promises to come.

I just love all my friends... some people are just too special. Always for them.

--buddi

1942

21-04-2010

Went and came back in the same bus

SVYM, My experiences - 2

2010-02-23T11:41:00.009+05:30

Nice to get back to this! I always enjoy it..

For the news updates - I have joined 'the NGO' in the Mysore district.

This one is about my first couple of weeks here (Already!) SVYM, the exciting place, is still as exciting as ever. Once I have joined here officially I got to work with people even more closely and share ideas and opinions. I have been a part of several nice discussions, sometimes in favour of me and sometimes against me (but never the "heated" ones). I am enjoying my stay here, esp. with so many knowledgeable people around and ready to help there is hardly a time when I would like to sit idle, people are more productive than I am. I am sure I will catch up, at least I will try to!

SVYM has provided me with the optimism and opportunity to explore and experiment which I have not enjoyed at other places. It is surely the place to be. In the few days I have spent here I did make a strange observation. I am not sure whether many will agree. There is a striking difference in the attitude of the people here towards work and their place of work. While some people take pride in being a part of this organisation (which includes the founders and few inspired ones), for many it is just another place of work. I found it pretty difficult to digest. I feel the heavy turn-over of staff can be attributed to this point.

In my interactions with few people here, the only thing I could feel was the passion and optimism. Its like there is a transfer of enormous enthusiasm and 'can do more' attitude. These are the people who built, build and run this place. People at various levels, starting from the President to the doctors to the to the teachers these are people who have inspired me and brought me back to this place time and again. Dr Balu (my first choice, as Malathi akka told I like him the most. For me he has been more inspirirng than any person I have ever heard of), Dr MAB, Dr MRS, Dr Sridevi, Dr Padmaja, Dr Bindu, Malathi, Anitha, Sumathi, Beena, Poshini.. the list is surely endless. For all the people who question my motives and choices I don't have better answers than just taking these names.

Sometimes I am caught in a confusion should I call them sir, anna, or just by their name. I believe respect comes in how behave with them rather than how you call them (that is one thing 4 years in IIT has taught me, we called our professors as 'sir' but we never had any respect. I am a bit ashamed to say this but it is a fact). Moreover, I think I just know that with these people it doesn't matter at all and I know I have high regards for them. These are the people I have enjoyed talking to in the last few days, the best part has been spending time thinking over their ideas and ideals. I feel proud to be a part of their family (though I have questions like do I deserve to be here) Everytime this thought crosses mind, it is a hair-raising experience.

On the other side are many people here who don't seem to know about the social impact (or should I call it the social footprint) of this organization. I am among the few lucky ones to have visited few of the places. For them this is a working place that runs from 9am to 5 or 6pm, and within these timings they are expected to abide by the rules and regulations! And one more observation I had was that hardly anyone shares their good times (or even the bad times) of their work - classes, meetings... whatever. Every time a notice is sent calling for a meeting, people kind of gear up themselves to get some firing... :P (which may or may not happen). I feel very much out of place with such people around. Nothing is looked at like "our" work, it is almost always "mine", "yours". Sometimes people are afraid of talking a few things infront of me, they feel I would inform the "higher-ups". I don't understand whom they are afraid of, may be they are afraid of themselves saying the wrong thing! I can't help but smile as I put down all these. Well, I have had enough of these experiences even before I joined here and I know to walk my way around them but thats not the solution. We need a change in attitude. We are teachers who have to show how good students should be like! We need to be good students. I take pride in being a part of SVYM, no matter what ever little I have done. I hope I can inspire at least one more and may be build that emotional link.

SVYM has given me great days already and many more to come. There are some bad things here too. The sun rises late here (come on Earth be faster), the day ends very fast (come on Earth be slower) the school should have a nap break after lunch, a football team, a chit chat place for 'out of mind' people like me and more of 'out of mind' people... sounds crazy :P. Sometimes I do miss my friends, the ritualistic midnight coffee sessions and the long walks. These kids make me so jealous, I just want to join for 9th class next year here and relive my best years (9th and 10th classes)

@ Uday and Purri.. hope you people also join and then we will have a Purri's Boston Tea Party.

--buddi

1917

22 - 02 - 2010

Movies and Careers

2009-12-28T01:27:00.004+05:30

Movies play a big role in our lives. They make us think beyond the known, they uncover truths, they inspire us, they entertain us - They shape the way we look at things. But I feel that it is sad to believe the are 'the way'. They are never larger than life.

Recently, I have been to a movie which had a character that was close to mine... the clash between career interests and parents' opinions! Then flies a comment that I would make my parents sit and watch that movie... to explain to them that I would like to do something else (What was so nice of them was that they were thinking about this when the movie was going on!). That was one of the most shocking comments I have ever heard. May be I was and am over-reacting but that's the way it is.

What I couldn't figure out was - why I would need a movie to tell my parents that I love something. I love nuclear physics , cardiology, neuroscience, robotics, rural development and many more but I never got interested in them after reading a book or watching a video. I started loving them when I could contemplate something that was fascinating or something which raised lots of questions. To the best of my knowledge even my parents know that I like them (because I keep explaining them whatever new I learn). I couldn't succeed in convincing them that I can have a good career even in those fields. That is my failure!

When my love for something is true, it would definitely help me convince people around... I wouldn't convince my parents that I want to go into nuclear physics by showing them a 3hr video, I would better do a research project and show that. It is true movies give me the energy to keep going but I don't like the idea that a movie would decide a son-father relationship. My little mind can't accept it.

--buddi
0255
28 - 12 - 2009

The story behind a dice game

2009-12-26T00:52:00.004+05:30

COMBINATORICS

0. Combinatorics – The story behind a dice game

Every day we come across passwords. Passwords for computers, passwords for ATMs (commonly referred to as pin number), number locks, and so on. All of these are combinations; some are combinations of alphabets while others are combinations of numbers and still others use symbols; in some cases the passwords are case-sensitive, sometimes they are not.

Among other examples of combinations we can think of – how your teachers come up with the time table, how a metallurgist tries different combinations of elements to come with up an alloy of desired properties, how a linguist examines the meanings of combinations of letters in an unknown language and so on. All of these visibly 'different' applications come under one roof called combinatorics. Combinatorics (or combinatorial mathematics) is a field of mathematics that deals with problems of how many different combinations can be built out of a specific number of objects.

This field has its origin in the gambling games that played a large part in the European high societies in the 16th century. Whole fortunes were won or lost in a game of cards or dice; something very similar to how the Pandavas lost all their fortunes in a game of dice in the Mahabharatha! In how many ways can a certain sum in throws of two or three dice be scored (haven't you played Ludo?), in how many ways is it possible to get two kings in a card game and other similar problems in a game of chance gave the initial push to develop combinatorial mathematics and the theory of probability.

Italian mathematician Tartaglia was among the first to list the various combinations that can be achieved in a game of dice. His list showed the number of ways 'x' dice can fall. However he failed to take into account the fact that the same sum can be achieved in different ways. For example, if we are using 2 dice and we want a sum of 7, the various combinations are (1,6), (2,5) and (3,4).

In the 17th century, Chevalier de Mere, an ardent gambler, had sort the help of his friend Pascal to determine the division of the stakes of an interrupted game of chance. This marked the first theoretical investigation into the problems of combinatorics. Fermat, a contemporary French mathematician, was also working on the same problem. Their work was followed by valuable contributions from Bernoulli, Leibnitz and Euler.

Combinatorics is extensively used in the field of statistics, cryptography, discrete mathematics, linear programming, group theory, non-associative algebra... the list is unending. Most of the names given above might sound new and not of your understandability. However, it is interesting to realise that the mathematics involved in all of them is the same as in a game of dice. Through a series of articles we will travel with Kabani (a student like you) through the field of combinatorics. We will learn to solve problems from the simplest to the toughest, and enjoy the beauty of mathematics. The only thing that you need to know is how to play a game of dice!

Food for thought -

Simplest Question – In a class, every student is to be given a 2-digit roll number. What is the maximum number of students that can be given the roll number?

Toughest Question – There is a queue of x + y persons at a ticket counter of a cinema theatre. x have Rs20 note and y have Rs10 note. Each ticket costs Rs10 and the cashier has no change to start with. In how many ways can the people line up so that the line keeps moving and no one has to wait for change?

Get the dice rolling... try solving the above problems. Correct solutions will get prizes.

Reference – “Combinatorial Mathematics for Recreation” by N. Vilenkin. Translated from the Russian by George Yankovsky

Great Discovery, Humble Beginning…

2009-12-26T00:46:00.001+05:30

NUCLEAR PHYSICS

1. Great Discovery, Humble Beginning…

The 19th and the 20th centuries were the time for the most breath-taking discoveries and inventions of modern science. What was once considered fiction and everything that was ever dreamt of - flying machines for carrying people non-stop from continent to continent, submarines which could travel under water from Pole to Pole even under ice, rockets to carry us to the other worlds in the universe, apparatus to make it possible to converse over long distances without wires, and what not.

The development of science and technology outran the fantasies of the writers and the dreams of the scientists. One of the miracles of the era was the discovery of a mysterious chemical, a matchbox full of which could produce enough energy to propel a large ship for several years! The secret to its vast energy lies deep inside the matter that surrounds us.

At the turn of the 20th century, little was known about the structure of matter. Not all elements had been discovered, however it had been established that all matter was made of atoms. Atoms were believed to the smallest, and hence indivisible, particles of matter. J J Thomson then discovered the electron, the smallest particle of negative charge and soon Robert Millikan determined the mass of an electron to be 1836 times lighter than an atom of hydrogen, the lightest of all elements. In 1898, Thomson proposed that the indivisible atom was a uniformly distributed positively charged sphere, in which electrons were embedded. This proposal couldn't answer several of the questions raised about the plausibility of positively charged particles, stability of the atom and so on.

Becquerel's Mistake

The phenomenon of the luminescence of certain substances when exposed to sunlight is called fluorescence. The French scientist Henri Becquerel spent many years studying this phenomenon. Once he had observed a photographic film wrapped in a black paper and kept in a drawer was exposed. There was no way this could have happened because the substance (sulphate salt of potassium and uranium) he used could have fluoresced in the darkness of the drawer. When he studied more carefully the reasons for the same, he could establish that the binary salt of uranium and potassium emitted invisible rays that could expose the photographic film even in darkness. Thus, 26 February 1896, marked the discovery of a new physical phenomenon which became the starting point of the whole of new physics of the 20th century. It is interesting to note that all of the physics that followed started from this accidental observation. More to come in the articles to follow…

3 People, 3 Lessons Learnt

2009-12-04T16:19:00.006+05:30

3 People, 3 Lessons Learnt

These are my experiences as a student and as a teacher. Inspired by the Dead Poets Society, there was no better name I could think of..

To start with, the three biggest lessons I learnt and the people behind them..

1. Being more than a teacher - Mr. Keating, the teacher from "Dead Poets' Society". He is the teacher, friend and the person to whom everyone looks upto. The one who is ready to stand up for his students but at all times wishes that his students explore their real interests and live for them... Truly one teacher I would like to be!

2. Value what people have - Mr. N G Bhat, my mathematics teacher. An inspirational figure in my life... one person who valued what ever each of us could afford and glorified what ever little we could do. He was the teacher who had taught me to enjoy and appreciate what I study, the person who did things for the satisfaction rather than the benefits we get out of the results. He was appreciative of the smallest of efforts... once everyone in the class got sweets because I cracked a problem, his beautiful solution sheets (with funny comments) for the problems we put in the drop box, his special classes (I was the only student!) for 8 months to help me solve some maths olympiad paper, his vast library, encyclopedic knowledge... To put it in short no one ever has influenced me so much in my life and no one has ever made me feel so proud of whatever little I could do. What ever I am today.. I am still walking in his shadows, trying to imitate him in his clarity of thought, his insights into the subject and tenderness with which he used to handle a topic. Now-a-days after every class I am dragged into a thought of how he would have taught that... I know I can never figure that out!

3. Expectations should have boundaries, never impose them - Blessy Joseph, once my student (even now!) and now a dear friend. She wouldn't quite agree that she had taught me this but it was one of the biggest lesson from my teaching experiences. Probability is a topic of immense interest for me... and a horror show for her and the class. My drive to push the class out of misery of that mathematical dynamite pushed people to the limits of breaking down. That was a big mistake I was doing... imposing expectations! My intentions though good weren't helping much, then I had realised that if I had to impose something - I had to do so gently.

What I have experienced can never be written down, but these are attempts to acknowledge the efforts of all the people involved. I hope one day I will be a teacher I wish to be..

--buddi

1642

04 - 12 - 2009

My Heaven, Your Heaven

2009-11-12T22:14:00.007+05:30

My Heaven, Your Heaven

It is always tough to draw lines. Drawing lines at what is yours and what is mine.. most people might not like the very topic but I feel it is extremely essential to maintain harmony and move forward with some one. When I first started discussing this with a few of my 'friends'.. they replied that they understood what I was trying to say but in the end they asked me why I wanted to build walls around myself! Well the truth is they never understood it... My language might look I am talking on behalf of us but I actually speak for buddi only.

Each of us have our comfort zones, each of us enjoy solitude and each of us enjoy company. What varies is what we like and at what time. No one can tolerate a breach into their precious solitude nor can we bear a time without people around. Time and again each of us are tested in this... you are almost always disturbed when you are thinking about something... the answer "Nothing" quickly follows and then.. "tell na..." is shot at you. Caught up! You can't say that you had nothing on your mind (obviously you would be lying) nor can you reveal what you was going on in your head (you are just not comfortable, had it been otherwise you would have been thinking aloud).

Some time back, there was an ad (I think it is of Reliance)... everyone likes to give suggestions. Suggestions are for free. Everyone of us claim to have put ourselves in the others' shoes and tell them what we would have done. It is interesting the way people put it. Sometimes suggestions are very essential to start a new line of thought but ultimately it us who has to make the final call. (@ suk, pur, bmv - this is what makes you special, the decision has always been mine but the thought yours).

One of my friends indicated that most people around me actually always have good suggestions for me as they are few people who are concerned about our well-being. She was very right but I still feel the walls of the heaven are still strong there. When I had asked her, "If that is the case why don't you just listen to your parents and get married, after all they are thinking about your well being?". She was taken aback and I hated myself for shooting that question at her but may be we just need to learn it the hard way...

People make comments on my dressing, spectacles, umbrella, room, books, interests, friends, sports, ACADEMICS. Most of the times the comments are wrapped up in a joke... which I enjoy! Most of those are about things which I don't give much thought about.. I guess I stick to my comfort and almost it never hurts me when one of those comments falls by my side but sometimes people tend to dig into too much of them (esp. about friends, academics) and I start feeling a touch uncomfortable. Why don't you do MBA? Why are you so bad at your academics? Why are screwing up your career? Why are your friends like that? Look at your friends, you are way behind them!... I always feel I have had enough of those, but I guess they will keep coming back until I am washed away like the beach sand. I hope I have the energy to live on with my dreams and interest..

Well, I guess everyone wants to go to heaven.. but even before we actually reach there (no one knows if it exists) we have our own imagination of how it should be. I can bet each of our heavens are extremely different! They should be, after all one is mine and the other is yours! We hardly have anything same in life... from the time of birth to time of death, every single thing is different for all of us, I feel it would be foolish to claim that we think alike or we think something is right for some one. I have just not known any person completely so far!

Everyone in this world will reach great heights. Everyone deserves to and should be given a chance to bloom. Everyone should understand that our 'heights' could just be different and 'heights' are not necessarily academic excellence. There are so many beautiful things in this world which are worth living for... everyone has their own journey. Be a part of everyone's, listen to everyone's and help them move on. To quote from "The Last Samurai" - ".. a small measure of peace we all seek. But few of us ever find". I wouldn't like to hinder my friend's search for peace! Your heaven and my heaven are different! (but I wish to be a part of yours')

--buddi

1428

12 - 11 - 2009

Football, Friends & Films

2009-11-06T07:06:00.018+05:30

I have missed so much of these over the past few weeks may be over the months.. Time is supposed to be the medicine, but in my case it is getting worse.

I haven't played football in school for a year now I guess (may be more), which also indicates that all of us haven't met for a year and obviously we haven't gone to any movie together. This is one set... the same goes with all the friends I have.. this is the complaint book for the year.

Purri is so busy with his mini project. GOD knows what he is upto.. well, PSG has definitely turned him into the academic and lab in-charge. He has forgotten that once he hated to be at PSG... he has forgotten that he was once ready to play football any moment.. now I guess I have to explain him what a ball looks like. Thanks to Coimbatore which sucked out the little interest he had in movies... on the whole, Purri is heading for a hi-fi project under his guide next sem and then for a Ph.D in VSLI... May GOD help him. Purri was once the class' Thierry Henry.. I guess Henry sounds 'anonymous' to him now...

MBA babu.. when was the last time we had a chat? And the last time he played football with us... I guess I was a kid then. The last movie we saw together was Taare Zameen Par... December, 2007. One thing I am sure of is that this fellow will be the CEO of some company in a couple of years from now, would have settled in Mumbai (or a better place) and will send us an invitation for his marriage... ya, he was once the classmate for 12 years and I have know him for a little over 20yrs..

The Sweet Cousin.. got married and settled well! Suddenly my aunt's place looks so dull and I find no reason to go there when I am in Hyderabad... I miss my cousin. No mid-night ludo games or jokes or chocolate cakes. Obviously the movies went missing long long back! Once we used to talk about the college fun now we talk about her work in office! No wonder the frequency has come down from once a day to once in two weeks. Thats what marriage of a friend does to me.

Anirudh... once the satire GOD, now the PJ GOD. Full time busy creating more virus for McAfee. Seshendra... once the movie database and sweet shop, now in Pune. Sudheer... once the fool like me, now the secretary / head of CEA and what not... busy person these days in IIT. Amoeba is missing!

Uppi... the most hated of all, the most hated by all. I am kind of ashamed to say he was my bench-mate and team-mate for 10 years. He was the captain of the Class Cricket team. The one thing I am sure of... HE IS ALIVE! When reports last came in he was found in an ashram with a thick beard and without a mobile.. he is going to be Sri Sri Sri Upendrananda Swamiji Maharaj.. what ever crap. UPPI where ever you are, keep it in mind that your past will haunt you - you have one moron of a friend in me to tell about all the 'non-sense' we (and you in particular) did in school and life.

The INSEPARABLES - Mote and Idli.. one busy behind his girl and the other busy thinking what to do. Lazy idiots... never welcomed the suggestions like football, walks and so on..

I also miss Chikku a lot. I wish she was still around. Well, one thing everyone suggests... Life goes on, you should live as it comes. I beg to differ here, I don't know how many years I will have to live to make more friends like Uday, MBA babu, Uppu sami, Purri... I still have made some new friends - Mr.Logic, SP, Mimi and Bl, each special in their own ways and close to my heart. I love them. But none of them plays football..

@ Uday - Few months back, we used to talk about 3 fools missing friends and school days. I guess it is just 2 of us now. Surely the world is improving.

On 8th August, 1986 a Rob Reiner movie was released which ended with "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?" May be he was right in some sense... friends we have at that age are valuable. I guess I just miss my friends.

Purri, where are you? That movie was your choice...

--buddi

0900

06 - 11 - 2009

The Fields of Athenry

2009-09-22T01:44:00.006+05:30

By a lonely prison wall,
I heard a young girl calling:
"Michael, they have taken you away,
For you stole Trevelyan's corn,
So the young might see the morn.
Now a prison ship lies waiting in the bay."

Low lie the fields of Athenry
Where once we watched the small free birds fly
Our love was on the wing
We had dreams and songs to sing
It's so lonely round the fields of Athenry.

By a lonely prison wall,
I heard a young man calling
"Nothing matters, Mary, when you're free
Against the famine and the crown,
I rebelled, they cut me down.
Now you must raise our child with dignity."

By a lonely harbour wall,
She watched the last star falling
As the prison ship sailed out against the sky
For she lived to hope and pray
For her love in Botany Bay
It's so lonely round the fields of Athenry.

"The Fields of Athenry" is an Irish folk ballad set during the Great Irish Famine (1845-1850) about a fictional man named Michael from near Athenry in County Galway who has been sentenced to transportation to Botany Bay, Australia, for stealing food for his starving family.

This is a tune played in the "Dead Poets Society" - my favourite. This song is close to the theme of the movie. This is the first of a series of articles to share few of my experiences as a student and as a teacher.

--buddi

SVYM, My experiences

2009-08-06T13:28:00.011+05:30

Swami Vivekananda Youth Movement (SVYM) & Vivekananda Memorial Hospital

SVYM, My experiences

Reading through the entries in the blog, I feel so happy to know about SVYM and be able to watch it action. I have known SVYM for almost 3 years now and it has been a different journey. What started out as a quest has now become an obsession. This is SVYM in my view -

I have tried to become a part of several groups (16 precisely) which worked for varied causes from rural development to environmental awareness. I have been associated with them at different levels but every time I looked back at my experiences with them, something was always missing. SVYM was the answer to all. For the first time, I was with people who had committed themselves to this work for their life-time and at the same time I could see the immediate beneficiaries. Everything was so pleasing!

Viveka School of Excellence (VSOE), Saragur

During my first visit (2007), I was there without any aim and may be that was the reason I couldn't carry back much. But that was first chance to meet Dr. Balu and Anitha akka, who left an ever-lasting impression on me. The passion with which Dr Balu explained his vision of "exploratory park" (that is what it was called then) and Anitha akka's commitment to realize it. One of the lines I remember - Dr Balu says to Anitha akka, "You people come up with the design and we will get the funding. This project should be done before next academic year. No marriage until then!"

My second visit (2008) was more productive in terms of spending time with the teachers and students. Satheesh (Ph.D in Robotics) was with me. Starting with his talk on robotics at VSOE, the trip ended with a 4hr long discussion with Triveni ma'am and Vasantamani ma'am on efficiently using the available lab equipment at VTCL. Satheesh and myself used to dine along with the kids at VTCL and I sure had few of the heaviest meals of my life. We also went to backwaters and that was it - both of us knew we will be coming back for sure. Two lines to remember from this trip, Anitha akka taught me "Chennagadira?" and the second, at the resort at the backwaters, Satheesh asks, "Do you have any cool-drinks?" and the guy there replies "We have chilled beer!" During my second visit, I couldn't see much of Dr Balu or Anitha akka, but I could understand SVYM as a whole. I met two more very influential people Triveni ma'am and Malathi ma'am.

My third visit (2009) was the longest and by far the most productive. I was literally taken aback when I heard that most of the faculty were new. But very soon I realized, new faculty meant more enthusiasm. After a quick meeting with Malathi ma'am, I moved on with my idea of conducting a written quiz for the students of classes 5 - 8. Anitha akka was very quick in adjusting the time table and finding convenient periods for me. Towards the end of the day, the maths & science faculty and myself met in the computer lab and discussed about the ideas to improve the students' understanding. That was a good first day!

The second day was very exciting, as I prepared to take 5 classes for classes 7 & 8. The students responded well and in the last hour I joined some of the kids in the ground. PT sir found a spot for me in the kho-kho match but I didn't last for more than a minute. Aniruddh, a 6th class kid, got rid of me. He was the one who had topped the quiz the previous day. He had the killer-instinct, he was way ahead of others. He is a kid to watch out for! Few of us again met in the computer lab, where I demonstrated some experiments on light. The next day I went to VTCL. After watching an English play by 7th Class boys, I moved to the Physical Sciences Lab where with the help of Triveni ma'am and Mr.Vardharaj we conducted a quiz for a few selected students. Then the discussion on use of lab equipments and encouraging the students to take up projects continued. The return to VSOE on Mr.Devdas' bike was good, he took me to the Kabini Dam. On the fourth day, I had a couple of periods on career guidance and handling science projects.

The third trip was eventful in every sense. When I was there, the 40th anniversary of man's landing on moon was being celebrated, we witnessed the longest total solar eclipse of the century and the heavy rainfall in the Western Ghats had filled the Kabini Reservoir and all the gates were opened. These three were very important themes for the classes I had taken. We discussed about India's space mission, how solar and lunar eclipses occur and how rainfall and water management play an important role in agriculture. I was having a great time with the faculty - played carroms with them, helped one of them solve sudoku, had lunch & dinner with them, discussed classroom experiences and so on. I finished reading "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. A line to which I could relate to - "... no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." SVYM was the best place I could read that book. Helping students in rural India realize their dreams has been my dream.

I have picked up loads of memories and experiences in my visits. I couldn't quite digest the fact that few teachers left in search of better jobs. The commitment and vision of the people at SVYM had pushed GRID out of my diary into reality. Whatever, little bit I have tried to do through GRID, a major share of the credit would go to SVYM, Dr.Balu and Anitha akka in particular. Over the 25 years of existence, I can't imagine how many would have been benefited and how many more would have been inspired listening to the story of SVYM. It would be foolish to claim that SVYM changed lives in rural Karnataka. It is not just in rural Karnataka, SVYM built lives everywhere. Given an opportunity I would like to join as a science teacher at VSOE and contribute my bit to help Dr Balu start the Exploratorium. I wish to realize my dream!

--buddi
05 - 08 - 2009

P.S: An edited and better version is available on the official blog of SVYM. Edited by Dr C Anil.

Clay court stories

2009-07-18T00:08:00.009+05:30

This was started with (now they are not a part) - I was told a few days back that my writing has lost the 'spice'.. I didn't understand what they were looking for, so no special care goes in here... Writing pleases me!

11. Clay court stories

Clay basketball court, BSRKV... This court was the reason I got those unending oral recitations from my mother (my white shirts used to end being close to saffron). This court was one of the reasons I was given the special treatment on the last day in school (Ms.Nagamani promised me that she would ensure that I don't get the hall-ticket for board exams... I can tell you, the last day couldn't be more memorable. That fear still manages to pain me sometimes, though I claim to have become "numb"). This court was the reason I had to lie to my mother innumerable times saying that I had some special class. This court was the reason I hated Uday & Vijay (I liked them otherwise)... :P. This court was the reason people could bet I would fail.

Getting back to school... I sometimes feel my "soul-searching" would end somewhere around the clay basketball court of our school. I guess I have enough reasons to hate this place enough not to go there again! If I was ever asked to name the best places on earth... this will be among the first 2 or 3. The good times out-number the bad-ones by a convincing margin. Here are a few highlights the players wouldn't have missed...

The biggest complaint - bench-mates, team-mates and what not - Uday and Vijju, the two people whom I hated most in the ground - they never played against each other or should I say, they never played without each other... that more or less decided three fourths of the team. As the days passed the teams did become a tradition like in football!
The biggest asset - Everyone of us would take pride in the fact that we never discussed rules. They were there, not to argue, not to be written down. Three boxes on the pillar are the wickets, a measurement (which only Vijju knew!) was the pitch length, some idiotic shapeless stone was the bowler's end stump, over arm throw, speed objection, the kho-kho court the boundary etc. etc. One very funny thing was the no off-side runs... and more over they were given out.. :P
Cricket is a gentleman's game... no one would disagree. There were these "jingli" Purri, Sastry and sometimes Arvind... who wouldn't play anything other than football. But they were forced to play cricket.. (no one played football then.. they had no other go) and what was interesting was the Purri - Sastry fight for the deep square-leg fielding place.. (where they thought the ball would be least frequently.. thanks to Uday and Naveen they proved it wrong). Purri was a lost character in that world... neither did he bowl nor did he bat but he came for the comedy of Sastry. The aspiring mafia don Arvind proved he was worthy of it.. hit and scare.. and what not!
Our un-invited guest when we were in 9th and 10th was Mr.Madhubhaskar who had once vowed to kill all of us for torturing him when he was our maths teacher a year before. He was a great sportsman and used to treat as his equalls on ground. Now-a-days when we talk of him, I feel sorry for him.. one thing that pains me
Hot-spots... Ramu was always the wicket-keeper, he used to run till half of the first ground to collect the ball.. and a throw from there would invariably hit the board and bounce back and everyone used to shout!! Uday and Naveen always in deep mid-wicket, Buddi always in long-on, Uppi and Vijju, the strategy GODs, always at mid-wicket. The most sought after place was the 'dressing room' under the trees.. a boulder to accommodate two.. the commentary and jokes flew from that corner.
Action.. It was never shot off! Vijju's awkward bowling action.. don't know where he mastered it, Uday's mastery in batting, Naveen's long long sixes.. I used to run and run to get the ball.. Hutch copied that 'dog' idea from here, Nili's lefty 'off-break'... never really turned actually, Ramu's bowling straight and fast... and an action as if it was base-ball, Buddi's innocent bowling which surely had the most expensive as well as the most economic figures, running for water to Avvi's house or college campus, Vijju's running between the wickets tactics... always ensured to get strike at the end of the over... well this is an unending list! But the best action was celebrating a wicket or victory... show your fists and yell... killer instinct, we learnt it here. There were skills we leant.. I guess we mastered.. sledging, cheating, and slogging.
Infrastructure... Uday's bat and ball.. the brand was Wills (made for each other.. how true!).. sometime Tija's ball took the place... others came in and went.. these stayed.. and will be played with till the very end..
Repent... there are a few things I would always feel bad for... I never ever hit a six there (I was hit for three). There were matches I scored most of the team score (57 runs out of 65), there were matches I was duck.. I had every experience.. but never that of a six... May be the next match... I will make amends! There was one match I was out in Uday's bowling after blasting him in two earlier matches... he came to me and showed me his fist... SHIT! I thought he would kill me right there... I gave away my wicket.. it won't be that easy this time..

There were matches we won with 20 runs to defend, matches we lost with 70 runs to defend... but we always won the entertainment and the desire to play again and prove a point.. we were the "B-section"... we grew up there, we fought there... that muddy court, surely the place to be...

I am still hanging around there somewhere... I guess we all are..

--buddi

0006

18 - 07 - 2009

What my friends wrote...

2009-06-23T23:04:00.005+05:30

The following was the RG written for the hostel nite... Not everything needs to be true!!

Praveen aka Buddi

Less on food; more on work!
Intentional insomniac!!

In 'perfect sync' with ppl he has good understanding with.
Powerful shooter of football

Fault finding nature

Coffee addict (indeed Aztec) had his own coffee making ingredients at room

Character who can pack a quiz to get the intern he loves!

The rate at which his beard grows is faster than that of his hair.

The one incident many people might remember involving Praveen is an accident on his way to Mahab only cycle. He was on course along with Normal and Gay on cycle at midnight when he suddenly crashed into a stationary lorry. This accident left a nice sovereign on his face…

One of the best footer players in the hostel…. But still, he managed to get himself injured in practice matches leading to schroeter during his first 3 years. Too much enthu to play footer but at the end of almost any day’s play, is caught with some physical ailment owing to his random schedules of footballing. Here is a guy who b(r)ought more footballs to the hostel than any other sports sec ever had….

Nuclear physics God….. He published a paper…… He is very interested in Nuclear Physics and regrets not putting up a decent fight with his parents during his admission into IITM but thanks to that we have a wonderful friend…. one of those different guys who realised he is in wrong place quite early. He had to sacrifice a Japanese intern in Nuclear Physics due to Mech dept…. Die hard hater of Mech dept…

Books…. His room has more books than the hostel library…. He insists on reading a book of his own rather than someone else’s book.(?) with all these books in his room, you will never find a place to land your foot…. Once during Shaastra, he gave his room for five friends they neatly racked up the books so that all of them could sleep there…. As soon as buddi got hold of his room, its back to normal in less than a day..

He had more dinners in CCD in 3rd year and tiffany’s in 4th year than in mess… if we count the number of times Praveen goes to mess in a month, it will be around 45 and most of them during tea-time.

A person who doesn’t fear to voice his opinion and straight-forward in his approach (most of the times), though it lead to problems. Wrote mail to IVil group on its structure(including profs.) and the work going on, in the most satirical way possible which unfortunately was forwarded to the “Dons”(profs…this is wat he called them) and later had to meet them, luckily no after-effects.

On the whole: "A fine (but superior) human being with immense potential; currently wasted in external soul searching."

The contributors - Django, Seshu, Normal, Gay

One Day

2009-05-22T23:50:00.005+05:30

One Day..

I knew I would meet someone great some day,
I knew all my innumerable dreams would take shape some day,
That some day would arrive 'one day'

I was told and rightly,
"If you are looking for a star in the sky,
don't wait for a starry night,
look into the glaring sun,
you would have just found your star!"

However foolish you might call,
the sun remains the brightest in the sky...

That 'one day' arrives today,
with the wait now put off
here I start wondering -
What took me so long?

--buddi
0253
02 - 09 - 2008

My dream team..

2009-05-06T07:12:00.008+05:30

My dream team...
I dreamt a lot, I dream a lot, I will continue to... it is exciting. The innumerable possibilities and their consequences are so pleasing. Sometimes I feel I can survive just with my dreams, sometimes I fear I will be lost and forgotten in my dreams. Whatever it is, here is another of my dreams. My dream team.

16 people for the 16 places.

The King - Satheesh - I can't think of anyone better, he is the best team leader I have had and I don't see anyone filling his shoes any sooner.

The Minister - Anirudh - the humorous, friendly, hard-working and what ever possible. He is one of my best friends and advisors. There are few people who never take 'no' for an answer, he is the first one of that kind in my team.

The Rooks - Vijay & Kavya - I consider them to be the 'odd-ones' in the team. They like to be on their own. They are always working and do it the way they like it. They are not the 'ideal team-members', but still they do have the much necessary strong shoulders for the team.

The Bishops - Swathi & Bhavani - No replacements possible. Swathi's passion for her subject, Bhavani's committment to work, Swathi's smile, Bhavani's jokes, Swathi's PJs (?)... unique. Two very different persons, two different routes - I guess they justify their presence as bishops. Who takes the black square or the white one.. yet to be decided! Most of the times, your intent to do something or help someone is more than enough. It is these, around whom the interest levels in the team would keep running around.

The Knights - Uppi & Ravishankar - the work-horses of the team. Both of them are people who live up to their words, innovative in their approach and hence 2 of the 3 creative geniuses in the team. They do all the running around which most people would hesitate to take up.

The Pawns -

Uday - He is God. I have no explanation as to why he is a pawn, may be just that we almost never shared common interests. After being his team-mate for 5 yrs in school, I realised that there wouldn't be another Uday in my life again. He is a must in the team though I call him the 'crib-God', he is a God in several others.

Purri, Idli, Yeshwanth - The 'maalum nahi' trio. They are several times better than what Vijju has shown them as to the Orkut community. Purri is the 3rd creative genius in the team. Idli is the only-one who will support even if you say "murder Idli". Everyone of us look up to Yeshwanth, for his timely jokes, untimely bluffing... a comedian at mouth, a 'human' at heart.

Swetha - Why the hell is she here? I don't know... I have got used to her so much for the 22years I have lived, that I feel it is impossible to do anything without her being involved in it someway or the other. I have no better reason.

Sudheer - Enthusiasm at its peak... can it be better.

MLN Sri Harsha - I don't know him much, but the few times I have met him.. he has left an ever lasting impression. He is calm and composed and a great person at heart.

After mentioning 15 names, I am tempted to mention mine and thats the way it is. How can I think of a 'dream' team that has all my favourites and not me along with them..

I have a few more names whom I would like to include in my team, lack of place is a issue. They are (in the order of preference) Nalini, Shilpa, Padmapriya, Ardra, Mrudula, Praneeta and Aditya. It is interesting to note that while the team is male-dominated one.. the females in the additionals team out number the males by a huge margin. I have never worked with Aditya, my brother. I enjoy a special chemistry with him, communicating mostly with whistles and sign languages... in the very near future, I think he will be in my main team. Many people would question my choices, especially about the exclusion of a few of people... but this is the way it is. These are the ones I like to work with, I like to be with.

I have one more dream... do something that will put all of my team members at one place, but they still continue to do what they are most interested in. I often dream of helping people realise their dreams. This is my aim in life and I am still miles away from finding out how I can do it. This one bothers me, bothers me a lot. Can't help myself yet. Whatever stupid ideas I come up with are my attempts to achieve this... for one day in my life if it does happen, there would be nothing else left to achieve.

Hope I realize this dream, at least in my dreams.

--buddi
0846
6 - 5 - 2009

My friends owe me..

2009-05-04T05:26:00.005+05:30

My friends owe me...

I have written here to let out my excitement, to let out my anger, to tell about my love, my hatred and so on... this one is out of frustration. My friends owe me too many things.. I am fed up of making diary entries. This is a highly "censored" and mostly "slang-free" version... if you want to read the original, be my friend for a year and it will be delivered on phone.

Yesterday, one of my friends left to her home... her last few lines being "I owe you some money and we also promised a treat, we will try to fulfill all the promises in the next semester... ". Why don't people realize that 3 months of vacation is a long time, I have been waiting endlessly for their treats and I don't have accounts on how much weight I would have shed thinking about all these. My grandmother keeps complaining about my diameter.. and so I complain. Here is a memory recall test for me... this is what my friends owe me.

Starting with my first friend - my cousin... she owes me 3 chocolate cakes, 6 softies and what not. She is yet to give me a treat for the job, marriage, laptop (a pen drive is not a treat), Harry Potter books, photos I have taken, "dabba", teaching her to play cricket, giving her the bump on forehead, telling how 'hopeless' she was, not disturbing when she was sleeping, bleeding pinches I got, telling that her high-heels looked good (do you think that I was right), helping her eat 'well' at home and at parties, accompanying her to movies... Shit! I don't want to waste my blog space for her. Forget it.

56 ice-creams & a partnership... This is an interesting bit of statistics here which consumes most of my RAM these days. This friend had promised me as many as 56 ice creams so far (as per an agreement, details are classified.. :P, ice cream is more important) and promised to be a partner in the proposed ice cream factory (not my idea). Of the 56, some 7-8 have been given so far and when will the rest come... I am waiting. The business plan draft is ready and if it starts going, her share of production will be my treat, I guess. I am counting and 3-digit numbers are 10 times tougher to remember, so please start putting the ice-creams and company when I plan to eat.

3 sips from a Coke tin... Vijju, the one and only Vijju owes me this and has been pending for 9 years. It is high time... I have never asked him too much for being made to look like a fool for so many years whenever I was with this guy and another idiot. Keeping it pending for this long is bad. I agree he has sponsored Sprite a number of times at 5th Avenue Bakery, but Coke is Coke.

500 GB Memory in my brain & 2 hrs a week... the other idiot here. He has dumped so much about movies into my brain. Forget about the movies, the reviews and analysis would weigh a simple 500 GB of text files in my brain. Is it grey or white cells to add? I know whom to ask. I can't tell how different I am (I wouldn't call screwed up) after watching the movies he suggested... Dead Poets Society, Philadelphia, Forrest Gump, Shawshank Redemption, Crimson Tide, Straight Story, Seven Samurai, Yojimbo.. I don't even remember the names, I need memory. This idiot put me to Coke. According to him, Pepsi tastes like soap water... that was enough. Every week I spend at least 2 hrs looking for Coke. I want a payback!

2TB HDD (& 10 Mbps net)... Purri, this PSG fellow owes me a 2 TB HDD to live up to his expectations of providing him with all the football videos and movies he wants to see. For all the crazy movie names he mentions I would need a 10 Mbps net connection to download from the torrents or what ever non-sense he talks about. Luckily, I don't understand any of the torrent thing and I am spared of the movie download. For now it is the football videos, I am planning to ask him for some service charges and trust me, that would be a killing!

Manuscript... I had promised one of my friend that I will publish her first book. I have my funding part ready. I am also finding out details of how to publish a book. All I am waiting for is the manuscript. It is not about the publishing, I just want to read the book.

Blog space & Web Albums - I would like to write lots and I have to abuse a lot of people. All my friends owe me some blog space to share my views about them, you don't want to humiliated publicly. Infinite photos I have got in my comp, I can't spare anymore space for these. Too many important things and too less space. I just want to write down every memory I have before I end up being an amnesia patient. Don't smile, I have got few symptoms showing up and thanks to the IIT.. it will ensure that. I have too many things... I am losing it fast.

Creativity & more friends... this is not something, people have promised me but I guess it is their moral responsibility. They have stolen my creativity. I am out of ideas to write something here or in Reading Between the Lines. They have set a few standards which hardly any one touches and looking for these I end up lengthening my list of non-friends. All you people, who are reading this you better help me...

Other things that no one has promised but still they owe me... football (all the B-section walas are you reading?), live music and dance performance, Vijju's autograph, a trip around India...

Well, I have cribbed enough I guess. I am feeling more relaxed now.

--buddi
0716
4 - 5 - 2009

Just when I was about to type my name.. I decided to use this chance to say to "sorry" to a dear one. Hopefully, it reaches the other end... I could never dare to tell that.

Tea served hot..

2009-04-22T20:39:00.005+05:30

10. Tea served hot..

All of us talk about being in the wrong place... at least I do. I have written a hundred times about it I guess! But there are few people who choose not to complain and even fewer who make their way out... he is one of them...

Purri was one guy who always made his presence felt, this holds till date. Once in a while he reminded the teachers that he was there in the class with his laughter, his left-footed tackles and soft finishes, his participation in the cycle-meetings outside the school campus... he was omni-present! Well... in most of the cases he found himself in the “wrong” place at the “wrong” time...

How many times did he get thrown out of the class because laughed at some joke from the one and only Sastry? I am sure Purri didn't know so many numbers back then... oops! no, he was good at mathematics as far as I remember. Courtesy: Tution Point. That place had an epic in itself, do ask purri about it... I somehow believe that the 'little flesh' you see in his cheeks these days is because of the swelling he carries from those days...

Purri was a creative genius and continues to be (if PSG has spared him)... almost everyone knew what he was good at and what he was really bad at. Now how good would he be at remembering things.. take history for example.. he was a horror for the teachers! He struggled in exams, often setting the lower cut offs no would could ever cross. After repeated requests to improve his scores he was under real pressure... then he did the inevitable.. Came up with his answers. Creative answers.

For a question “Write short notes on Boston Tea Party”. He went on write that “Boston was a scientist who gave a Tea Party after he got the Nobel Prize for his scientific discoveries...”. The answer was read out loud and clear to everyone in the class. Everyone laughed... we laugh till date. It was emabrrasing for him... I wish I felt sorry for him. Purri carried his creative talent to PSG and is popular around there impressing upon the faculty. Back in school it was Social studies and today it is Very Large Scale Integration (that VLSI in short.... Purri did you know that??). His creativity is definitely taking him places...

After all the years I have known him... I can say that he may not be the best academic I have known, but he is surely among the best friends I have made. He is among the 2 or 3 people I know who misses the school days... who wants to be back in school and play football... who remembers every single detail of every single day just as it happened...

--buddi
0537
23 - 4 - 2009

2 birthdays, 2 different days

2009-04-19T13:22:00.008+05:30

2 birthdays, 2 friends.. 2 very different days

Just 2 days apart.. 2 of my best friends had their birthdays. I wouldn't call them "celebrating birthdays", one continues to hate the job and the other continues to work on the assignments..

For one I didn't even bother to give a call to wish, but late in the evening I took the pain to send a message (just to feel that I was not as "dumb" as him) to which he responded as expected... No response! I knew it. I have known him for 12 years.

For the other's, I had been planning for at least a couple of months... read books to select from, chose gifts, selected cards and gift wrappers... finally and unsatisfactorily decided upon a few. Her friends bought her a cake and I talked to her in the early hours of the day. She was happy (I think / hope). I have known her for about 12 months.

Two very different friends any one would call... two very similar friends for me. Both listen to the unending trash I talk about and most importantly very very patiently. Both talk love and life and keep me going. They are my friends and what they do is very pleasing for me! I have written volumes of 'Reading Between the Lines' and wanted to write one more.. after 2 months I realized that I had wasted enough time trying to capture them. All that came out was 3 pages... far far away from reality. Well deadlines were so important earlier but not now.. no regrets not to have finished it this time. They are too big for a few lines on paper, but then I wouldn't stop writing (as I always tell). My proof-readers, editors and reviewers are most important of all - these are the ones! The best and dearest of mine is in the making and it will be a long time when it may arrive.

One of my friend asked me "U love him so much, dont u" .. Yes was my answer. I love a few more of my friends as much as I love them but few love me even more and here they are. They make me feel important and alive. They know every single failure of mine and celebrated every success of mine. They are special.

Happy Birthday to you both and "I am always there for you"

A cup of coffee?

--buddi
1244
19-4-2009

Two statues outside the museum..

2009-03-04T23:39:00.002+05:30

9. Two statues outside the museum..

Class 9 had a disastrous start for us.. few of closest classmates like Vijju, Avinash, Tija.. among many others were thrown into the newly created E section. Lots of attempts failed to get them back to the best B section!! However, that year was arguably one of the best years in school for most of us.. as Vijju had confessed recently that section had helped him a great deal in 'all manners'... you should be intelligent enough to guess what he meant by that!

What follows is just one more of those memorable experiences... some where in between the academic year, we had an excursion to Nagarjuna sagar dam. When we started from school, Vijju and Avi joined us in our bus while the rest of their section was in another bus. The class teacher of their section, Ms.Geetha was very friendly and was our class teacher in Class 2. For her it was pretty obvious that these guys would be along with us.. and she never had any objection.

On the way, we had good fun.. occupied the last three rows of the bus.. Naveen, twins, Uday, Tija, myself, Sastry and many of whom I missed here, were there.. we got some cards from the bus driver (thanks to me) and had a long journey till there. I remember sleeping in the last seat of the bus and infact I fell down while i was sleeping.. :P

At the Nagarjuna Sagar, we got into a boat and went to some island.. don't ask me what was there.. we never cared! After reaching there, a head count was taken.. Vijju and Avi were there in the E section lines for the second time during day.. then we were taken into a museum, all it had was the statues.. half of them didn't have heads while the others didn't have limbs... it was boring, to say the least! Then Vijju puts himself into work.. he calls me, uday and Avi and says "lets go have something..". And 4 of us silently slipped out of the museum, went to the nearby canteen and had some samosa and followed by a drink. When we were done, we started back and then vijju says, "You go ahead, i will have something more and come"... explainable from his apetite and his liking for food. Vijju and Avi stayed back..

As the rest of the students came out of the museum, Uday and myself joined the lines and all of it went unnoticed. Then a head count was taken, 2 boys missing from the E section.. Geetha ma'am came straight to me and asked were they were. My reply was a broken line.. I don't know.. she knew I was lying. Meanwhile, these fellows were seen walking back casually and one teacher after the other took turns to shout at them... it was funny, and even more funny when we thought of how we had escaped. After the drama, Dattatreya sir was asked to take care of them... and..

Both of them were made to kneel down in the lawn, infront of the museum, in school uniform, at a tourist centre for about an hour... photographs were taken of them not only by us but also by tens and hundreds of other visitors. No one passed by with out laughing at them.. it was fun, it was humiliation, it was one of the golden moments...

If you were ever talking about interesting punishments, I can bet on two things - this would be right on the top and the second, Vijju would figure in every single event of that list..

Lots more to be written...

--buddi
2340
04 - 03 - 2009

Long after you are gone

2009-02-07T02:57:00.004+05:30

Sorry for the photo quality
Long after you are gone - DOOMSDAY (03 - 07 - 2008)

Long after you are gone

Long after you are gone
I think I can see you around
lots to talk and share
but it would never happen

Long after you are gone
I think those smiles will still be with me
lots to listen to
but it would never happen

Long after you are gone
on a breezy winter night
with the lights still on
I think I will still feel you around

But I was sleeping for long
for one thing I failed to realise -
Long after you are gone
I wouldn't be there for so long

--buddi
1125
09 - 06 - 2008

A phoney attempt...

2009-02-07T02:02:00.005+05:30

At the end of this effort
I have a question for myself
what is it, that has come out?

nothing special at all
all is left to be declared 'a PHONEY attempt'
for I can never understand her
"I am far from where they are"

for this person is bigger than life
she is the leaf with a thousand veins exposed
she is smile on my face
she is the Smile

attempt after attempt fails
all attempts, I make, only DEROGATE her
all of it just dissolves away in tears
all of it just falls apart

you could still question
is that all?
I don't want to be CURT
I just don't want to be

but I knew I would never complete
still I know I would never complete

yet I make this MELANCHOLIC effort
when she is still around,
for long after she is gone -
I wouldn't be there for long

for I want to carry ahead
a handful of memories
a handful of blessings
and a handful of lessons
O! she has showered over me a lot
I don't know what to choose

Need I ask for more
need I live to long for more
I do -
the least I can live for
stand for her reason
stand for her

May all her dreams come true
May she get all she asks for
she will lead a happy life
I know she will lead a happy life

I would tell 'her' memories
Please stand by me
for you define me
for you I live
for you make me live

attempt after attempt fails
this was just another attempt

--buddi
0302
9 - 7 - 2008

The accident and later...

2009-02-04T23:23:00.000+05:30

The accident and later...

My transition from a care free human to a careless, out-of-the mind idiot..

I like to test my extremes... I mean it is not all about testing extremes but just doing what I feel like doing... be it when I played football when I had 103F fever, be it when we went cycling some 35km up and down, be it when I slept for some 15hrs in 9days, be it when I walked for 20km when I had nothing else to do, be it when I went into the road race with a damaged knee ligament, be it when I played football immediately after blood donation or be it when I...

This list would never end. I wish it doesn't. This is how I have grown up, this is how I lived. Every bit of accomplishment in my life has been on these lines. It gives satisfaction, a sense of achievement... it gives the will to go for the extra bit. My friends have taught me this. They showed me what it takes to be a winner.

Ever since i met with that accident few people have started telling me that I should n't be like that... but I have always been like that. I know it hurts physically and usually it is me suffers but it rarely matters! At least not at this age...

It has been a strange transition for me.. the transition from a care free human to a careless, out-of-the mind idiot.. it is irritating to listen all their comments and what not. But on the back of my mind I keep telling myself.. these are the people who care, people who love, people who want to help... these are people who build my life piece by piece.. these are the people who make life so memorable... these are people for whom I am a priority... I am not sure whether I deserve alll the love but one thing will remain true for as long as I am live..

I love you all! I have told a few, I haven't told many..

--buddi
2330
4 - 2 - 2009

A Cup of Coffee?

2009-01-17T06:07:00.006+05:30

A Cup of Coffee?

"A cup of coffee,
a stroll to an unknown place,
a rain walk,
a bouquet of flowers,
beautiful memories..."

Borrowed from *******'s card - A card everyone deserves!

A cup of coffee? The best message that goes out of my phone... and the best message I have ever received! There is something special in a coffee, I have never seen a face other than a smiling one having a coffee. The technical details of any coffee are always a let down! Blended with chicory, high contents of caffeine, has over 600 varieties of carcinogens, causing anemia, and so on. But still people take it and take it happily. I haven't met anyone who complains about coffee...

Whenever my message is sent to the "Coffee" list in my mobile (it has 6 contacts) at midnight, I know it is going to be a good one hour ahead. And when I am into the celebration mood the message reaches "Coffee big" list. Everyone shares their experiences - good and bad - just tell what ever you want. A great time to vent out anger, to share the joy, to have friendly argument, to get fatherly advice, to shower motherly love and to have fun, loads of fun. It is a great feeling to see people talking while having coffee. It gives great satisfaction to be a part of those fine moments. And this feeling knows no boundaries when you are the one who has called for the 'meet' - a meet with no agenda. Usually I like to sit at one end of the table and I listen to them... but there have been times when I become really talkative (when only 2 or 3 of us are there) and people have suffered... :P

Lots and lots of variants of coffee - Espresso, Cafe Latte, Cafe Mocha, Cappuccino, Chococinno, Madras Filter Coffee (or the Kaapi Nirvana), Cafe Americano, Cafe Caramel, Frappe, Macchiato. Irish Coffee, Aztec, Ethiopian, Cold Sparkle, Iced Eskimo, Trpocial Iceberg, Devil's On.... as far as I remember. Different tastes, different colours, hot and cold but the spirit of coffee is always the same. I have known people more and more over these cups. From acquaintances to the best of friends everyone becomes someone you know better. I have relished every second of these meets with my friends. Sometimes attended by only me and sometimes by almost everyone. These are moments when people put behind all the deadlines they have to meet and the time tables they have drawn for themselves, these are the moments I live for. I wish everyone has as many of these as possible. Just share and enjoy. Live the moment!

Well, Coffee Day is right - A lot can happen over coffee!

A ritual I followed for over a year, in its final days - tough to stop and also tough to push in new memories into the already crowded brain! A comfortable compromise in the end. But somewhere the message is still delivered once in a while... I miss the meets, I miss the replies... "No. :-)", “Already at tiffanys”, "Hmmm... not tonight..", "Hmm...I dont think i can make it”, “In tiff only :)”, “Just had :)”, “Yes.”... where do I go now? where do I kill that one hour?

A cup of coffee?

-- buddi
0731
17 - 01 - 2009

The Tiffin Box Story

2008-12-29T22:59:00.012+05:30

8. The Tiffin Box Story

Tiffin boxes form a very important part of everyone's schooling... I am sure no one would disagree on this. Our story was no different, may be more eventful than what you would have expected it to be. We were special!

Two rules were almost always followed - everyone liked the others' more than theirs' and everyone shared theirs' (I think the first does guarantee the second!)

This would be a list of whatever I can recollect about our tiffin boxes -

Starting off the with the most famous - Idli's idlis - for almost 3 - 4yrs everyone saw the same thing... no wonder he looked like one! Then there were the 'kutty idlis with a fork' of Naresh - more popularly known as 'button idlis' as Idli had named them... not to forget the leg-touch game we used to play just outside the class!

Next best according to me was Uppi's huge box - which weighed more than the books in his bag and he weighed less than anyone in the class! The most remembered of his was the dosa.. he continued his legacy with serving us dosa on our trip to Shirdi (Note: He made / cooked / .. them!)

Then my box - most awaited was the biryani! It didn't come very often but when it came it used to turn me into a sprinter and Uppi & Vijju into businessmen... It is true that I was forgiven for an overthrow in a cricket match the moment these guys came to know that I had brought biryani! I think this continues to be the dish everyone likes even now.. Uday keeps telling me that... next time all of us meet at my home with a huge dish full!

Uday's and Sastry's most common - chappati with pickle - both of them ate very less of what they brought! Uday used to get a huge hot pack when ever we went out for some competition. Out of the 3 in our team he was the most sincere one opening the box first... but as a ritual, he used to eat just 2 spoons of whatever he brought (most often - lemon rice) and then used to survive on LAYS for the rest of the day... he made me eat so much of LAYS that, what was once a hatred is now a liking!

Arvind's box in box - his was the most unique one... a rectangular box having another rectangular box for the curry... mostly chappati with a curry (I don't know what they call it) which almost everyone liked..

The most famous incident - Vijju dashed into *******'s brother on the staircase and said saale... everyone of us followed... Vijju meant it!!!! For further details contact Vijju - vijay7287@gmail.com

The most infamous incident - Class 2 - I was being chased by Tija for a share in my box... running and fell onto a concrete block... deep cut on the head... severe bleeding. Most irritating of all - the never ending lecture by one of the teachers!

The daily routine - Get out of the class.. check how many stairs each can jump at a time... run to the ground, put all the boxes opened on the wall... eat whatever you want, clean up all boxes.. go play football!

The best use - If you can't tackle, throw the box at the ball... while playing football with the small ball! Most of our boxes were shapeless because of these... ramuk yaniv, ramu, uday, vijju, tija, kozi... were among the most popular at this art. I had tried it only twice.. once I missed it by a huge distance and the second time I hit Naveen straight on his knee... that was the only time I ever saw him angry!

Other participants included pp, purri, tarun, nikhil, nili, laxmikanth, srikanth, twins... unfortunately I don't remember much of their tiffin box stories! Laxmikanth had to listen to our complaints about Mrs.Veenarani everyday during the break... after all, she was his aunt..

I am sure I had missed a lot..

This was the last post of the year..
Happy New Year! May it bring in loads of joy and memories..

--buddi
2359
29 - 12 - 2008

The time with you

2008-12-17T21:01:00.003+05:30

The time with you

All the time I spent with you
all that I wished I did
when questioned, 'why?'
I had to say, 'why question why?'

One day you would be far
a hard truth to take
One day you would be someone big
a thing that would come true

Things would change forever
I know you would still be the same for me
every moment of these meetings
would be lived again!!

I just want more of these
always into a confusion
do I disturb her, may be some other time...
may be the time would never come again...

It does pain, a tough decision to make
but as I think over again
I agree I spend lots of time
with her, with her memories

What more do I want
I know mine, all reason is a lie
just followed my heart
need I say more.

But when you question, 'why?'
I would still be the same
worn-out guy I was

--buddi
0120
15 - 09 – 2008

A New Place...

2008-12-09T07:58:00.007+05:30

3. To the land where I belong

I had stepped into an puddle and slipped... I fell flat. I was sure I had a bleeding knee. As the last the boogie went past me... I could see shocked faces staring at me...

The good thing at this age is that, though you are physically much weaker you are mentally much stronger, there is nothing new... be it people staring at you, shouting at you, throwing suggestions, these wounds, Oh.. I have had many many wounds and this was no different! Slowly I helped myself up and quickly collected my baggage. As I was doing someone came running to me, "Ayyo, ayyo!!"... .

The man seemed to be the station master. He sounded very concerned. He quickly helped me find some shelter... I was taking my time. The thoughts of the fall were still running in the back of my mind and wasn't really concentrating what was being told to me. Innumerable questions were thrown at me, the one that made sense was about why I got down there. Meanwhile I pulled out a towel from my bag and wiped off all the mud and used some water to clean up the wound. I knew this was the first of many to come. Not a bad start, I thought. I was waiitng for the rain to slow down a bit... meanwhile there was a quick flash of thoughts of how I started out... I was lost in those thoughts.

I was suddenly disturbed by a lightning, as if to tell me that I had some work to do. I had fallen asleep, a short pleasant one. The station master was gone. The platform looked absolutely deserted. Now I had to start, I was getting late. As I made my way into the water outside the so-called station, I looked for some transport facilities. Absolutely nothing... Oh God! why did I get down here... This thought was a bit painful one. Repent - the one thing that can kill anyone! It feels good to give a comment on every feeling of fine but in the end I don't want to become some whom I hate...

Almost no human movement was visible.. except for a small group of people having some tea about a 50 metres from where I was. The very thought I might get something to eat made me feel hungry. I did find some idlis lying in the hot pack but the neatness wasn't very pleasing... as I was having my breakfast I was observing how those tea glasses were being washed and put back into use. The thought that tea will be served in those was making me feeling uncomfortable. Aah! I was getting to those old days... no.. not any more. But I have to accept that immaterial of how the food was served, I did enjoy the food.

Then I took a road, which seemed to be the only one, hoping that I will find something... on the way I inquired from a few people but their answers were not very encouraging. As I was trying hard to convince my old legs to keep going I found some help. I met some one who changed the course of my journey. I met some one whom I believed right from our first meeting... not a friend of mine, someone different!

--buddi

0347

08 - 12 - 2008

A piece from a poet

2008-12-07T22:04:00.003+05:30

Courtesy: Internet

A piece from a poet

I had been writing for long now,
the idea of stopping not around,
pretty interesting so far,
riding on someone's glory, an easy work...

I enjoyed being called a poet
I lived every bit of it
but as it hits me now,
what is there, that was truly mine?

Loads of improper phrases thrown around
lines which were far from complete
reading in between never being possible
every bit I claimed that just falls off

But there is beauty in what I write
I agree gladly when someone says that
they are right, there is beauty
not in those broken lines!

There is beauty in the inspiration
there is beauty in the soul,
the ones that keep it 'a piece'
the ones about whom I write

All I write has never been mine
all of it just a stack full of views
and I still wait for 'my best'
the pen moves ahead.

A long distance to go yet,
before I reach 'my best',
'my best' that defines my quest -
'a piece' that has everything I want to write,
something so complete,
that I would have nothing left to write again

That I would call would be
the 'true piece' from this poet
and I know you wouldn't leave it so simple!!
Yet, the pen moves ahead
and the search continues...

--buddi
0721
19 - 09 - 2008

A Book of Knowledge

2008-11-24T15:18:00.003+05:30

7. A Book of Knowledge

This one is going to be a special one...

This story dates back to my seventh class (98-99). It was an eventful year and it was the starter of the big feast that followed till the end of my schooling. I still remember the small class in the first floor of Ramakrishna Bhavan and those 3-seater benches. I used to sit in the second bench along with Upendra and Shiva. Upendra and myself were benchmates in school for almost 10yrs, right from the day he joined the school to our last day in school. He is a very very special friend of mine... I have loads and loads to tell about him and I fear this blog would never be enough.

Shiva was a new to our class. He was a different guy - never got along with our batch well, kept things to himself, hardly talked to people, struggled a bit in academics but hesitated to ask for help, was good at sports but not many knew that... It took quite a long time for us to become friends. There was something in this guy... the more I was getting closer to this guy, I was getting away from the rest of the batch. It was only in the next year that I realised that... after Shiva had left the school and suddenly I was running short of friends (but it wasn't for too long...)

By the time we started going around together it was already December, time for the Christmas vacation! It was a long boring one for me and I am sure everyone in our class had felt the same. January 2nd of 1999 was a good day!! We were back in school talking to each other how we spent our holidays, no one had any big stories and very soon we were back into the routine - classes, games period, art.. going to Shiva's home... trying to study there for some time. Upendra, the mathematical genius, often used to help us both and I tried the same for Science and social. No one realised how time was running by, 3rd unit test already... hardly a month to go before the summer vacation.

I always used to spend every single day of vacation at my native place... this time I decided not to and plans were on. After days of arguments and proposals we finally decided upon something very interesting... a General Knowledge Book. We decided to make a GK Book that could be used by three of us. We had a good number of books but no book had everything!! So we decided to put together every piece of information we could gather. We divided the work among ourselves... I was incharge of collecting the information, Uppi the incharge for the paper and binding (his father was working in a paper industry!!) and Shiva was held responsible for printing.

None of us were good at computers, so the idea of typing everything in MS Word was ruled out. The house owner of Shiva had a type-writer and Shiva had asked his permission for using it during the Summer. Uppi got all the necessary white sheets... to make it look a bit attractive, we decided to put a green coloured page after every white sheet - effectively making the book have 2 colours! The size of the sheets was A5 (my love for that size and the green coloured sheets is alive even today!). I had collected some 6 books which included Manorama 1999, Upkar's etc. To keep the book updated, I got newspaper cuttings of all major news starting Jan 1st. We were about to come out with a book better than Manorama itself... the very thought was exciting! Just to add to our excitement, we got a few more books from the Librarian (they were Specimen copies, which were being cleared)...

By the end of March, we had finished all major arrangements... I had written down some 50-60pages which had to be typed, Uppi had drawn margins for over 200 sheets, Shiva was coming up with a schedule for our work. It was exam time again and for a few days we had to postpone work... When we got back to it after the exams, we were reviewing our work... corrections, updates, editing, formatting, cover-page design... the work was getting tougher, more satisfying... we wanted everything to be ready before we started the typing. I had started working in the nights at home and during day at Uppi's home. Things were ON.. full swing!!

The content was up-to-date, exhaustive, reliable, presented according to our convenience, table of contents, index, photos... you name it, we had it. It was going to be the best work of our lives.. Everything about the book was excellent except for one thing -

We could never type it!

I tried to carry on the work for as long as I could but somewhere things went wrong... the book is still waiting to be printed... I still miss our work... every time I am in a team working on something, I get reminded of my old days...

@ Uppi and Shiva - we will finish our book some day... I will pray that the day is not very far..

Few things I don't remember - The name of the book, the reason why we stopped, our budget, did others know about this? ...

--buddi
0450
24 - 11 - 2008

Home, Sweet Home!

2008-11-19T20:29:00.005+05:30

Home, Sweet Home!

Home, Sweet Home!
Few wait to be back,
Few on a journey to find one,
Eventually everyone has one.

Be it
the lonely bird,
the deserted house,
the travelling Ravi,
or yourself...

Everyone will be back home
Home, Sweet Home!

--buddi
0245
18 - 11 - 2008

The journey continues...

2008-11-17T18:46:00.007+05:30

2. The journey continues...

It had started drizzling outside. I could see myself running along those slippery boundaries of the paddy fields, sitting under those big tamarind trees after getting totally drenched, playing kabaddi beside the temple, races to cross the muddy trench, running along the roads to have a plate of bhajji... tonnes and tonnes of those moments. All of them in rain. Memories are a good thing to have. Sometimes I am into this doubt - was it all real? or, was I just dreaming? There is a line dividing dreams and reality... in the run all these years I have forgotten the line. I often dream about getting back to my friends, getting back to my old days... I don't know when I got separated from them. It is a dream... hope it always isn't!

Dreaming is a healthy sign... at least you know that somewhere within you the spirit is still alive. Everyone dreams and everyone has the right to dream... but what you dream could vary from the sweetest dreams to your struggle for survival in this world. I once dreamt of being a good doctor, a good citizen and what not. But today I feel I have been torn apart... Of all the people I see around, there is hardly any one who has been behind their dreams. The kids working in these stations, the kids polishing shoes, the kids selling tea, what have they done to be deprived of all those wonderful dreams of childhood...

Oops.. an alarm! My watch shows 8am... time for my BP tablets. Suddenly the alarm had broken my chain of thoughts. I don't know how these tablets work on me. My doctor tells me that one tablet a day helps keep my BP in control... I doubt that. I always feel I was more warm blooded during my college days, now I am all the more passive to insult... and high BP?? They don't go together! Yesterday's was the last tablet I had taken... at least I want freedom from these.

Oh.. what was I thinking about? I missed it... will recollect it in a while. But whatever it was, I know it was yet another confession. Memories... memories... they haunt you... they are something you relish... they are something that will make you cry. But one thing is true, every memory is a moment you had lived... so there is nothing like you can't.

The train was slowing down... further delay... damn! The place looks very scenic... barely visible green hills in the backdrop, the track some 10ft above the surrounding area, dim light, drizzling... A couple of huts were now visible. A yellow board having the name "Kuttulu"... is this a station? I was looking for the platform... can't find any. A beautiful village.. with hardly any houses in the vicinity. A excellent place to be at - I thought. It was indeed very intoxicating. Should I get down here? Why did the train stop here? Where am I going to stay? Did the train stop for me? I don't think so. Everyone looked disturbed seeing that the train stopped there. I was telling myself to get down and that this was the place to be. But I didn't know any one here... in fact I never heard of this place. Yes.. No.. Yes.. No.. My thoughts were going no where. The horn was blown... the train was going to start. I didn't want to repent once again in life... I decided I would get down.

I quickly pulled my bags and ran for the door... the train had started moving. I pushed my bags out... I didn't ever care to see where they fell. It was now my turn, the train had gained good speed. I doubted whether I could make it... without wasting much time I set my foot on the ground and tried my best to keep up with the speed of the train. Not quite there.... THUD!

--buddi
0443
17 - 11 - 2008

You are special!

2008-11-15T04:45:00.005+05:30

You are special!

No questions ever raised,
no reasons ever seeked,
as simple as it sounds,
as simple as this is

You are special!

I wish to learn,
I wish to live,
with thoughts to be shared,
with memories to be taken forward...

I admire, I envy,
hardly anytime left,
too many to catch up with,
you are too BIG to explain

You are special!

--buddi
0438
15 - 11 - 2008

PS: This is about a couple of my friends. They know its about them.. for the rest it is about some one you would like to be...

To the land where I belong

2008-11-09T17:52:00.011+05:30

Photo Credits: Purri (taken from a moving train Jan, 2008)

1. To the land where I belong

The red sun, a vast expanse of green paddy fields with a faint fog, the scarecrows, the thatched roofs, the cattle, the canals, the odour of the dung, the metal roads, the tobacco leaves... aah! I can already feel my heart pounding. This journey never seemed to be so long, I had been on this route for all my life but still it has been a long one... another 100 miles to go! I had spent the whole night sitting by the window for this air, “this is where I belong”. Suddenly a sense of belongingness! The cold breeze is cutting through my old-wrinkled skin, as I put on my sweater I imagine myself standing in those fields with open arms... as free as I was as a kid, as free I want to be...

It has been a long life, always doing something for my tomorrow. I am here now, nothing more to do, no where to go... In this part of your life, everything seems to come to a halt suddenly. You realise that you no longer are going to take the same crowded bus to your office, you no longer share lunch with your colleagues, no more of those jokes over a coffee... the day you retire, everything that has been a habit for over 30yrs is all gone. The first few days after that are the worst, unable to decide what to do, unable to ask for help, “I was driven crazy”. Thats the time when you think, you dig into your life... what have you done for yourself?

That one question has set me on this journey. My journey to find home. My journey to find my soul, I had dropped somewhere in this countryside. At this age, when I don't know when my body is going to give up... all that I long for is 'life'. Life in its simplest forms... I hope to find some company in these fields, in these streams, ponds and whatever is here. “This is where I belong” feels really good to say that. It is going to be my home for as long as I live. All of life is about finding 'home', a home where you get the love you crave for and the peace which we all seek.

Whenever this thought runs across my mind it does bring a smile on my face, “but what am I going to do there?” I have no idea of that... may be play, may be sing, may be dance, may be write... absolutely anything that reminds me that “I am alive”. I have nothing to give to this world now. When I look at the others in the compartment, everyone in their own world, I see myself among them. I was as ignorant as everyone here is, except for the kid whose dreams are still undisturbed by this cruel world!

My name is Ravi. I am going home...

--buddi
0801
09 – 11 – 2008

A start or an end

2008-11-08T03:33:00.006+05:30

Courtesy: Internet

A start or an end

Please forgive me...
I now know I was wrong,
but there is hardly any that I can do now
it is out of my hands now

If you are still feeling low
please tell me...
anything I can do to help you
Please forgive me

Your words still play with my mind
I have learnt my lesson
but I was made to pay
I repent for what I created
Are things just going to end here?

No not again,
I can't take any of this more
lost in between thoughts
tiring and lonely - the last thing I want

Was it the end I hoped against
Was it just a better start that you showed
don't know what to take from it
unless you say something more

As I wait for that and look into the dark day
I still don't know what I think about
but one thing I want to say again
please forgive me

--buddi
0401
27 - 08 - 2008

PS: An ice-breaker... nothing comes so easily, so was this one. I couldn't think of something better... Hope things get better. I owe all of this and the ones yet to come here, to a friend of mine. Someone about whom I haven't yet written... things just don't end with a "thank you"... things just don't end here. Thank you my dear friend.

Courtesy: Internet

A post...

2008-10-06T22:40:00.007+05:30

Whats there in the name... nothing much...
Whats there in this post... nothing much...

Every time I see this link in my bookmarks... I just get back to those wonderful days. I have had few nice moments with this blog. I would call it one of my best friends. A place where I just let myself go free.. write what ever I feel like writing. Nothing was ever at stake! All I had was a couple of friends - Uday and this one. They knew every bit of me and they just listened to whatever I had. Those were difficult days...

Today I know I am a different one... much more crazy, "cynical" and what not.. whenever I look back at those days I feel proud that I pulled myself through those days. I agree I have become a lot more cynical I would add that I had a reason. All that matters to me is that I do have a few more friends now and I have learnt to live.

Friends do great things in our life. They just seem to turn around the whole world for you! It is a pleasant experience. I am really enjoying few of those moments which never came up here.They aren't many of them but then they carry along those few moments when I just forgot who I am.

As people say, "nothing comes for free"... Though it wasn't costly in my case, I had to be a bit more careful with my thoughts and words. I would have liked to be a free bird. But this one - a tough one! I did learn quite a bit from it but it just wasn't enough... These days I find it much more difficult to satisfy both my interests... may be I just have to be the one most people like!! Does this call for an end to this blog - I have no answer for that??

What do I intend do now? May be just get back to those diary entries, have a read... wait for a few more days, enjoy for a few more days and then... just disappear... things would never change much!

The Magical hand...

2008-08-25T15:51:00.008+05:30

6. The Magical hand...

Its been a long time since I wrote one in this series and this would be a good one to resume with!!

This part of my life dates back to classes 6 and 7 (somewhere around 1995 or 96)... they were definitely great years and had a lot of happenings like my academic downfall, my extra-curricular rise to supremacy, my new team-mates, my new classmates and many more...

This one is definitely going to stand out. I hope you will enjoy this.

Like any other day school had ended at 1.40pm and Vijay, Upendra, Ramu and myself were among the first ones to run out of the compound wall and we ran towards the ice-cream vendor. He used to sell cones at prices starting 50np. The most interesting he had was the wheel (like the roulette wheel in casinos) attached to his vehicle. This wheel had 1s all over with two 2s and a 3 distributed randomly. With every cone we buy we get to turn the wheel once and if our luck favors us we might get 1 or 2 extra cones.

I was among the first few to turn it and as any one would guessed it it was a 1. As each of us took turns, there was a 2 in between and I found it was Vijju who got it. It was just a beginning!

As days passed by Vijju just got more and more lucky, if he laid his hand on the wheel it was a sure shot multiple!! Day after day for almost two years Vijju kept using his magical hand to put a 'treat' everyday after school. Every one was looking for him after school and even if he had just missed on any occasion he would fool the vendor by pushing the wheel again into the spot. It was all great fun then and we just liked it.

The magical hand never seemed to rest and even today it is being put into good use. But whenever I think of that vendor, I feel sorry for him... was it his bad luck ?? You know businesses can go wrong because of various reasons and what you have seen here is just another example... do MBAs help you face these? Lets wait for an answer from "the Golden Hand" himself!!

--buddi
1617
25 - 08 - 2008

I wish you were here

2008-08-24T23:09:00.003+05:30

I wish you were here

A never ending expanse of water,
caught in between hills of forest green
the horizon missing on every side
the clouds waiting to bless

No human greed to be seen
I am here, it was a splendid moment
all things, all worries seemed to have lost -
their importance, but it wasn't to be so

I wish you were here
this was a place to be
I remember - you asked for it

Every second memories flooding my mind
enjoying every moment of it
I let myself loose
unbounded thoughts, my heart taking giant leaps

Now, I want someone to share with
I wish you were here
you are the one so dear
with whom I can share anything

I miss you now
I wish you were here...
its going to be a long wait
until I meet you

--buddi
1244
07 - 07 - 2008

The picture doesn't really fall into the class of "paintings". But I would like to call it one. Exceptions can be made for me...

A book is weeping

2008-08-23T03:06:00.009+05:30

Photo courtesy: Internet

A book is weeping

A book once went into the hands of a 'beautiful' person and returned unhealthy... The person thoroughly enjoyed the book and the book enjoyed the reader's interest but where did it go wrong? Why does the book have to suffer and why do I have to write here...

There are lots of issues which do irritate me. May be I am out of my mind most of the times. May be I just blow things out of proportion but I believe I still have a point. I have been questioned a lot about my affiliation/inclination/affection towards books and for all those I never really had an answer.

What I have here is just another "typical Praveen's article", so I decide where to stop writing and you decide where to stop reading.

I still remember the wonderful guide of Bombay my father bought when he had been there (that was may be in the 1980s). Full of wonderful B&W photographs of all the interesting places in the city. But in my second or third class I cut the book into pieces for those photographs for my scrap book. Only later did I realize that I was never going to get that book back. I think I was right and thats what pains me today. Every mark we make on a book or every page we tear is just permanent and no supreme power / technology can undo it.

Right from the moment a book goes off from my hand I just pray it returns back with the smile still on. But every time I feel weaker and let down. Whatever is there in the book is still as important as earlier then how could something be allowed to degrade with the reading. At least I wouldn't accept it.

There is an unavoidable wear and tear with usage but to what extent is it acceptable? Am I being foolish all over? The questions still remain unanswered. I would like to draw this to an end saying -

Books are knowledge. Books are treasures. Books are my love. Books are for generations to see. And the book is still weeping!!

--buddi
0359
23 - 08 - 2008

Its my life...

2008-08-20T17:25:00.005+05:30

Its my life

Its my life you are talking about
Its my life...

just don't mind,
just don't bother,
just don't pester
Its my life you are talking about
Its my life

Just yesterday I was there
just today I am here
not everyday
not very far... I will be who I am

Its my life you are talking about

You could never see me
you could never listen to me
you could never talk to me
for all that you did all this time
was just a subliming part
I was never the real one

countless hearts that made me
countless dreams that keep me happy
countless goals that keep me alive
countless... just countless
Thats my life

Look around, have you ever talked to me?
be ONE in everyone's life

--buddi
0043
03 - 06 - 2008

Long after you are gone...

2008-08-18T21:58:00.008+05:30

Finally I have decided to break my silence!!

Not with the one I would have liked to but with my best so far...

Long after you are gone

Long after you are gone
I think I can see you around
lots to talk and share
but it would never happen

Long after you are gone
I think those smiles will still be with me
lots to listen to
but it would never happen

Long after you are gone
on a breezy winter night
with the lights still on
I think I will still feel you around

But I was sleeping for long
for one thing I failed to realize -
Long after you are gone
I wouldn't be there for so long

--buddi
1125
09 - 06 - 2008

Things just don't end here, lots is there to follow. I am back here... FREE from obligations and promises. I am FREE now and will live to be FREE. Who cares about what you think, who cares about where you go... at least I don't care. All I need to follow is my heart and the journey has begun now!!

The Last post...

2008-04-03T13:01:00.005+05:30

People did wonderful things to me in my life... All that has happened to me so far has always been so good and made me so happy, I don't even want to try explaining that...

People around me right from my LKG to these late days of my B.Tech third year... everyone had something to teach me, everyone had something to share with me... so many of those memorable experiences... Just lost count of those...

Today, I see one of my friend is in pain and it has become tougher than ever to talk about memories here...

One of my friend is in pain,
there is so much of distance between us,
I can't dare to talk to my friend,
all I can do is pray for my friend's well being...

I envy my friend...

Today I leave this blog here, promising that I will get back the day I see my friend happier... All the memories dedicated to this dear friend of mine... I will be back, I will keep my promise....

bye

buddi
1324
03 - 04 - 2008

You're beautiful...

2008-04-02T21:03:00.002+05:30

One more song I liked..

James Blunt - You're Beautiful

My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yes, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last 'till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

La la la la la la la la la

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Stars Smile!!

2008-03-27T12:12:00.008+05:30

This doesn't quite fit into Orkut and that is why it is here..

This is about someone who makes me feel like a GOD (and also blessing people..) whenever she is talking to me... from the heights I am taken to I fear crashing to death...

Sweet, Kind, Affectionate, Caring, Playful and what not... I have found every virtue I would admire and envy... may be of the few things I don't like much is her tendency to become a prey of unnecessary and avoidable circumstances... she is one of her kind...

I just fear whether I will ever be able to give her a fitting TRIBUTE for what she means to me and for all that she has done to me... at least I have to try

Sun sets,
birds go back home,
cool breezes begin,
everything becomes so pleasant,
another day comes to an end...

Stars show up,
united they glow,
innumerable dreams are born,
many unending counts start,
yet they are always out of reach...

Stars... glittering stars,
in cloudy skies...
we thought they were gone,
winds blow...
clouds are torn apart,
stars... glittering stars,
they are back again...

Stars smile...
they are never gone

Stars smile...
innumerable dreams are born

Stars smile...
hearts are elated

Stars smile!!

For all the good things that have come into my life after I met her and the others, all I have is a place in this blog and an already cramped heart... they definitely deserve more...

Well, she was just one of the many who made this moment as beautiful as it is... I pray to hang on for some more time... Some more time for me to find a TRIBUTE... Some more time for me to spend with them... Some more time for me to sail with them... I don't want names, I don't want rewards... All I ask for... Just some more time...

-- buddi
1459
27 - 03 - 2008

Unbearable love... I am receding!!

2008-03-23T19:35:00.006+05:30

"blissed :) "

"a memorable day :) "

"I can't imagine even one day of my life in IIT without them..."

"its like... I can do anything and take any pain to be with them"

"Life is all about happiness. Find out the best people hidden near you"

So much love being poured in, so much care being taken, so much concern shown... This is what I prayed for, this is what I lived for...

So many happy people around... just can't be idle - sitting back on my bed... so many relishing moments, just feel so happy to be able to see all this! No more wasting of time thinking, no more wasting of time here writing... just go and take a dive, drown in the world of happiness and just pray that I die down silently... Whom do I thank, whom do I give credit... questions better left unanswered...

Just carrying a heavy heart, can't take more of it.. already cramped... just counting my days, just don't want to look back, just don't want to look ahead... I am happy where I am... I am happy as I am... I am receding, just staying afloat... going where it takes me... I don't mind..

O love... O friend... just be as sweet as you are...

--buddi
1933
23 - 03 - 2008

A mirror..

2008-03-23T02:56:00.003+05:30

Yesterday... A day I will remember for years to come...

A day when I saw myself in another person... it was as if I was talking to myself... he was always there in front of me but it took me a long while to realize... "I knew him for over 3 semesters but still, I have known him only since yesterday"... sometimes you just miss out these people... he had opened up finally.

He shared things which once happened in my life... he confessed his mistakes... similar to the ones I had committed... everything reminded me of my dreadful past... I could feel his pain, for some time all that pain was back in my life... I felt helpless... all that I could do was just shed a couple of tears (and I managed to keep them unnoticed)... he was in trouble, he needed help... all of his experiences had left me speechless, I was left searching for words and even courage to talk something... all that I could do was lend an ear for everything he had... he talked about his sister, a sister he wanted to have. This gave me some hope... finally we had some one to help us out... she came there, she patiently listened to what was going on...

As the interaction went on, I found some relief as it was not the unknown to me... it was something I had been through some time back... just that it was a bit difficult to share my experiences with him.

Things were sorted out... things were back in place. Now the place did seem to be a better place for him - himself, his parents, his family and his sister - everyone was there in the reason, everyone was there in the interaction and everyone was there in the solution. He is now a more happy kid than he was... I just can't believe my joy after seeing elated, it was a hair-raising one... even after 10hrs after that incident, I am still running around with a happy heart, pounding!

Just can't believe what I had been through... just can't control my...

Thanks to this dear friend of mine and his dear sister for making me realize a few more mistakes, realize a few of relationships, realize that I had company and realize...

Just can't handle it... just can't look into mirrors any more... just wishing my dears are always out of that...

--buddi
0358
23 - 03 - 2008

You always have a choice

2008-03-18T20:35:00.004+05:30

9th March 2008 at around 10.15am at Thiruvanmiyur beach, I was playing with the soft sand when I heard some one say "You always have a choice" - I just looked up to see who it was, it did remind me of the dialogue from the movie "Spider man"... but it was not just a borrowed line from a movie or part of a long conversation with a girl... it went almost unnoticed when I heard it for the first time, may be it needed a beach and a line from this beloved friend to drill into my heart...

It is not just a line with some message... Something better goes into it... it took me a long while to realise that. May be I am wrong even now but it did require some genuine effort from my side to arrive at some conclusions. They do seem to be quite obvious to me now, but I just needed some place to put them down.

"you always have a choice"... you do have a choice to read on or drop the idea!!

I once had a chance to tell my parents I wasn't interested, I once had a chance to confess that I stole money, I once had a chance to thank my friends when they celebrated my success, I once had a chance to keep up the promise I made to my favourite lecturer, I once had a chance to give my best in the last 25m to finish first in the 8 km run, I once had a chance to meet a professor right in time to publish a research paper, I once had a chance to give my best to attend INPC, I once had a chance to drop a movie to extend my last meet with my lecturer, I once had a chance... I always had a chance.

But why all these now? Just that these keep coming back as nightmares in my life... I missed those chances. I kept complaining all life, I kept blaming people all life, but I always failed to realise that I still had a choice. Sometimes I feel I was late at a few things, I took the wrong turn at a few places... but today I realised, the decision was always in my hands. And, if you fail to make the decision right, just accept the situation and one day you will realise that where ever you go, you always have something for yourself. Then it all melts down to your capability of finding out how capable you are in adapting to the situations and moving ahead and digging out your dear victories. This is a point I once made in my entry "Being at the wrong place"... but the irony is that I almost never put it to use. Just hoping that this time it isn't that bad... just hoping to follow a line made by my dear friend.

This article is dedicated to the person who inspired this thought, the person who has taught me a lot, the person I am sure has inspired a lot many more people around her... Mrudula. Thanking her...
There are lots to write about her... may be some time later.

--buddi
0245
18 - 03 - 2008

I just wish another Good Boy!!

2008-03-11T16:46:00.004+05:30

I wish just another Good Boy!!

Some people make me feel big,
you aren't one of them,
some people make me feel sick,
you aren't one of them,
some people make me feel...

You aren't among any of those...
you are the one for whom I have nothing...
not a card, not a book, not a pen...
you are the person who has questions for me...
you are one with countless smiles
you are the energy in this piece of writing

May the joy and the smile live on
may the heart share some more smile to people around
just some more!!

If people say there is no end to selfishness,
then let there be no end.
After all what did I have for this friend of mine...
just a few more words from a dying soul
just a few words??
just wishing to do better...
just wishing that I had something more...
just wishing that I spend more time with him
just wishing...

JUST WISHING you success in all your future endeavours.
just wishing to be of some help to you...
I just wish another Good Boy!!

--buddi
0215
11 - 03 - 2008

This piece is dedicated to AMOEBA and the innumerable smiles he has brought out in my life...

Victory... What does it mean for us?

2008-03-07T07:50:00.001+05:30

Yesterday had been a different day... a day of little success. It has been a day of little known failure for many of our team-mates. People went back to question their own ideas, their own work, but how relevant was it to the context is a question better answered by themselves. People tend to act normal, but people tend to like to move alone.

For the first time in life I really happened to be on the other side of the wall, first time I tried to pacify some one in "my" team. I knew how they felt, though I wasn't really able to tell them how bad I was feeling, though I knew I was over doing everything I tried, I kept trying. As time passed by people seemed to be getting back to normal but the whole environment was different, an unlike our-team environment. First time may be I was feeling the itch of being in a team, I had always preferred to be alone. Now, what is that really natters to me -
an institutional recognition to the idea which the team attached so much importance to, or, the 45 wonderful day the team had provided me. Those have been days of accomplishments, those have been days of modest victories. Robert Frost was right in saying - Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length. May be it is the other way for the team.

I have always been a person with few accomplishments but more happiness in life. My failures never cost me much, may be a day or two's sleep. My incapability to make the people around me realise that this success never really mattered has been really killing me. This seems to be a bigger defeat than losing out in some competition. For the first time in life you seem to be involved with a team, you attach so much importance to it, you celebrate every moment in its presence and one day you realise that every moment you thought you achieved you never did. It is just a pack of cards falling apart. My unimaginably bright and happy days just came to an end. This is more painful. The "team"... I have failed to be a part of it, may be not my cup of tea but still I want to give one last try...

"Well I have made complaints to many people.. "I am never at the right place.... This is not the right place for me..." But here I am today seeing things in a much different way. Well i was at the right place most of the times... just a few things went wrong and life seems to have become miserable... we are almost never ready to accept that we enjoy as much as success as anyone else... but success really matters when it is hard-earned.. then it tastes sweet to you... failure on the other hand is the other way.. every undeserving failure brings along with it a bag full of hope and energy to work on...

All that matters is not the place where you are.. it is the work you put in to make the surroundings look more pleasing to you... You will enjoy the same success even without those efforts but your success will come and will pass by and even you won't realise that... nothing that adds to your joy...

All that you put in is to satisfy your egoistic needs..

given the place you are in now you can do two things.. put in some work to turn things your way or put in some more work to dig out your success which went on even without you realizing it..."

Just hoping that I never will have to work alone again... Just hoping that I never bid a GOOD BYE to the team which gave me those few yet innumerable memorable days in IIT... Just hoping...

--buddi
0745
07 - 03 - 2008

Few lines have been directly picked from my entry named 'Being at the wrong place'... just couldn't do it even the last time...

The butterfly effect

2008-03-06T06:51:00.004+05:30

there is pleasure in being unorganized…
there is efficiency popping up from no-where…
there is synergy that is working magic…
then why??

we are supposed to move ahead…
does that mean that we build our tomorrow..
are we losing today in the run?
why don’t we realize that tomorrow - we are one day closer to our end…
our muscles turning weaker… few more brain-runs making more of ourself giving up…

we are going to work lesser tomorrow…
are we going to see our comfort when we grow old.. and do nothing today
or, are we going to work hard today and leave it for our next generations to take care of us and our work…

order comes from work…
order comes from culture…
order comes from members…
order comes from your heart… not from a set of rules being put in

for me a world of unanswered questions would be much better than a world of only answers and responsibilities… and the day I don’t see a question is my end…

PS: This doesn't quite fit in into this blog, but this was one stand I took... this does mean quite a bit for me

--buddi
0651
06 - 03 - 2008

A Dream... A day-out

2008-03-03T14:18:00.009+05:30

Just as my eyelids close off at the end of a trip to ”just another” beach,

I realized that I was caught up in the eye of a storm of memories to carry ahead…

A living starts there,
The moment I see it,
I am lost dreaming,
I can feel it…
the strong-wind breaking up on me,
my hair reacting to these winds,
the sunlight showing up gently on me,
the water coming with all its might but unable to reach me,
the cool, wet sand inviting a dive…
I was there,
I was lost…

But only later I found,
I wasn’t alone,
castles were being built,
tunnels were being dug,
balls were being covered up,
life was still on,
life was being discussed,
life was being lived,
everywhere around me,
and how did I miss to be a part of this!

then came the time for the plunge,
a plunge into arguments,
a plunge into interactions,
a plunge into laughter,
a plunge into fun…
but then the end came…

it was a dream,
a phone call from home at 6am,
but I was a quick learner,
it just wasn’t another trip,
it just wasn’t another day,
back-breaking loads of memories to be carried over,
I just wish these days never come to an end!!

–buddi
1349
03 - 03 - 2008

And as always.. my CAMOPHOBIA continues..

She will be loved

2008-03-01T16:46:00.004+05:30

Here is one of my favorite songs... not a very popular one.
The lyrics are so touching, definitely worth a read.

May be someday, I will sing this for some one...

MAROON 5 LYRICS

"She Will Be Loved"

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

Where do we stand??

2008-03-01T16:24:00.001+05:30

“Tomorrows come,
Yesterdays go,

Promises come,
Accomplishments stay,

People come,
Members stay,

People die,
Good Work stays…

Take a stand today”

In this world of interpretations… in this world of clever people… in this world of carelessness.. it is a tough job to put across a point. When people tend to ski across the “serene” snow but fail to realize that they are standing on a frozen pond, rarely do you get to see the reality. Think different!

Not every time do you get a chance to enjoy,

not every time do you get a chance to claim your work,

not every time do you get a chance to prove you worth,

not every time do you get a chance to win for someone else,

Today could be your last, today could be their last… just don’t think, there is someone waiting with open arms in the darkness ahead… be capable to see that. Sometimes it does take a quite a bit to live in light. which one do you think is better.. “increasing the light around you so much that you go blind” or “sharing light and staying in a dull and yet a loved place“. Where are we going next?

this is just another stand..

–buddi
1227
01 - 03 - 2008

Whats the fun in being a cynic?

2008-02-18T00:28:00.005+05:30

What is the fun in being a cynic? Not many have asked me this but I guess many would be wondering, after few of their bitter encounters with me. "But why" is a big question to be answered!

Some have attached me with the negative responses so deeply that they went ahead calling it Praveen's TM... that leaves me a lot confused. Is this what I was looking for? Well, looking at the story from side it is actually irritating to be named critic, cynic, carper, adverse... People got it wrong, I got it wrong.

After the destructive work I have done to myself, now there is no looking back. But, I can assure people one thing - there was some intention behind making a fool out of myself...

Some time back, I made a few promises to my favorite lecturer. I never forgot my promise but I never kept my word. It was always - "I will do it tomorrow". It went on for almost 2 years. Then one day when I woke up I got the news that he was no more... Since that day the guilt that I couldn't keep my word has been pinching me... there was nothing I could do, all was over. I was late, I hated myself for this reason. It was then that I decided that I will do justice to every promise I make.

As a member of GRID & IViL I promised myself that I will strive to do whatever I can to help in the rural development. I had to live upto promises I made to myself. Today, I usually take the critic's side just to ensure that anything that we do suceeds... at least there shouldn't be anything half-hearted...

But, was I doing it constructively??

I don't know... what is the point in being the blockade in every move made by the team?
May be I should stop... May be I should leave it to the discretion of the team to decide what is right or wrong... May be I should play the role of a humble volunteer doing jobs indicated by the team... What is the point in acting? What is the point in killing my reality??

Better play it safe...

--buddi
0028
18 - 2 - 2008

What You Know...

2008-02-07T15:41:00.000+05:30

In a classroom...
You may not know the date,
You may not know which lesson is going on,
You may not know the person sitting next to you,
You may not know the person teaching you,
You may not know the meaning of a word,
You may not know how to solve a problem,
You may not know when your exam is,
You may not know whether you are going to pass,
You may not know...

But you always know one thing,
You know yourself,
Just be you... the special one

--buddi
07 - 02 - 2008
0841

The WALDEN

2008-02-02T05:58:00.000+05:30

FROM WALDEN
by HENRY DAVID THOREAU

"WHERE I LIVED, & WHAT I LIVED FOR"

When first I took up my abode in the woods, that is, began to spend my nights as well as days there, which, by accident, was on Independence Day, or the fourth of July, 1845, my house was not finished for winter, but was merely a defense against the rain, without plastering or chimney, the walls being of rough weather-stained boards, with wide chinks, which made it cool at night. The upright white hewn studs and freshly planed door and window casings gave it a clean and airy look, especially in the morning, when its timbers were saturated with dew, so that I fancied that by noon some sweet gum would exude from them….

I was seated by the shore of a small pond, about a mile and a half south of the village of Concord and somewhat higher than it, in the midst of an extensive wood between that town and Lincoln, and about two miles south of that our only field known to fame, Concord Battle Ground; but I was so low in the woods that the opposite shore, half a mile off, like the rest , covered with wood, was my most distant horizon. For the first week, whenever I looked out on the pond it impressed me like a tarn high up on the side of a mountain, its bottom far above the surface of other lakes, and, as the sun arose, I saw it throwing off its nightly clothing of mist, and here and there, by degrees, its soft ripples or its smooth reflecting surface was revealed, while the mists, like ghosts, were stealthily withdrawing in every direction into the woods, as at the breaking up of some nocturnal conventicle. The very dew seemed to hang upon the trees later into the day than usual, as on the sides of mountains….

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartanlike as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and to be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion. For most men, it appears to me, are in a strange uncertainty about it, whether it is of the devil or of God, and have somewhat hastily concluded that it is the chief end of man here to “glorify God and enjoy him forever.”

Still we live meanly, like ants, though the fable tells us that we were long ago changed into men; like pygmies we fight with cranes; it is error upon error, and clout upon clout, and our best virtue has for its occasion a superfluous and evitable wretchedness. Our life is frittered away by detail. An honest man has hardly need to count more than his ten fingers, or in extreme cases he may add his ten toes, and lump the rest. Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity! I say, let your affairs be as two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand, instead of a million count half a dozen, and keep your accounts on your thumbnail. In the midst of this chopping sea of civilized life, such are the cloud and storms and quicksands and thousand and one items to be allowed for, that a man has to live, if he would not founder and go to the bottom and not make his port at all, by dead reckoning, and he must be a great calculator indeed who succeeds. Simplify, simplify. Instead of three meals a day, if it be necessary eat but one; instead of a hundred dishes, five; and reduce other things in proportion…

Why should we live with such hurry and waste of life? We are determined to be starved before we are hungry. Men say that a stitch in time saves nine, and so they take a thousand stitches today to save nine tomorrow. As for work, we haven’t any of any consequence….

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. I drink at it; but while I drink I see the sandy bottom and detect how shallow it is. Its thin current slides away, but eternity remains. I would drink deeper; fish in the sky, whose bottom is pebbly with stars. I cannot count one. I know not the first letter of the alphabet. I have always been regretting that I was not as wise as the day I was born. The intellect is a cleaver; it discerns and rifts its way into the secret of things. I do not wish to be any more busy with my hands than is necessary. My head is hands and feet. I feel all my best faculties concentrated in it. My instinct tells me that my head is an organ for burrowing, as some creatures use their snout and forepaws, and with it I would mine and burrow my way through these hills. I think that the richest vein is somewhere hereabouts; so by the divining rod and thin rising vapors I judge; and here I will begin to mine.

from Solitude

Men frequently say to me, “I should think you would feel lonesome down there, and want to be nearer to folks, rainy and snowy days and nights especially.” I am tempted to reply to such, This whole earth which we inhabit is but a point of space. How far apart, think you, dwell the two most distant inhabitants of yonder star, the breadth of whose disk cannot be appreciated by our instruments? Why should I feel lonely? Is not our planet in the Milky Way? This which you put seems to me not to be the most important question. What sort of space is that which separates a man from his fellows and makes him solitary? I have found that no exertion of the legs can bring two minds much nearer to one another.

from The Pond in Winter

Every winter the liquid and trembling surface of the pond, which was so sensitive to every breath, and reflected every light and shadow, becomes solid to the depth of a foot or a foot and a half, so that it will support the heaviest teams, and perchance the snow covers it to an equal depth, and it is not to be distinguished from any level field. Like the marmots in the surrounding hills, it closes it eyelids and becomes dormant for three months or more. Standing on the snow-covered plain, as if in a pasture amid the hills, I cut my way first through a foot of snow, and then a foot of ice, and open a window under my feet, where, kneeling to drink, I look down in to the quiet parlor of the fishes, pervaded by a softened light as through a window of ground glass, with its bright sanded floor the same as in summer; there a perennial waveless serenity reigns as in the amber twilight sky, corresponding to the cool and even temperament of the inhabitants. Heaven is under our feet as well as over heads.

from Spring

One attraction in coming to the woods to live was that I should have leisure and opportunity to see the Spring come in. The ice in the pond at length begins to be honeycombed, and I can set my heel in it as I walk. Fogs and rains and warmer suns are gradually melting the snow; the days have grown sensibly longer; and I see how I shall get through the winter without adding to my woodpile, for large fires are no longer necessary. I am on the alert for the first signs of spring, to hear the chance not of some arriving bird, or the striped squirrel’s chirp, for his stores must be now nearly exhausted, or see the woodchuck venture out of his winter quarters….

…The change from storm and winter to serene and mild weather, from dark and sluggish hours to bright and elastic ones, is a memorable crisis which all things proclaim. It is seemingly instantaneous at last. Suddenly an influx of light filled my house, though the evening was at hand, and the clouds of winter still overhung it, and the eaves were dripping with sleety rain. I looked out the window and lo! where yesterday was cold gray ice there lay the transparent pond already calm and full of hope as in a summer evening, reflecting a summer evening sky in its bosom, though none was visible overhead, as if it had intelligence with some remote horizon.

from Conclusion

I left the woods for as good a reason as I went there. Perhaps it seemed to me that I had several more lives to live, and could not spare any time for that one. It is remarkable how easily and insensibly we fall into a particular route, and make a beaten track for ourselves. I had not lived there a week before my feet wore a path from my door to the pond side; and though it is five or six years since I trod it, it is still quite distinct. It is true, I fear, that others may have fallen into it, and so helped to keep it open. The surface of the earth is soft and impressible by the feet of men; and so with the paths which the mind travels. How worn and dusty, then, must be the highways of the world, how deep the ruts of tradition and conformity! I did not wish to take a cabin passage, but rather to go before the mast and on the deck of the world, for there I could best see the moonlight amid the mountains. I do not wish to go below now.

I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them….

Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed and in such desperate enterprises? If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.

They do...

2008-02-02T03:29:00.001+05:30

They make me live
They make me wait for death
They show reason in survival
They show the nearing end

They keep haunting me
they keep encouraging me
they keep me occupied
they make me jobless
they make me think
they make me run away
they make me love
they make me hate
they make me proud
they make me ashamed

they made what I am
they make what I will be
they made what was
they make what is coming

what are they?
Memories... Memories make you what you are...
But why do I need them?

may be to remind me of the innumerable promises I made to myself and people around me, to remind me of the many relishing moments I had, to remind me of the bitter incidents in life...

After referring to them countless number of times and after many many sleepless nights thinking of my accomplishments and my failures, it is back to the same old story - What next?

It is easy to be acting as the careless guy but I am sure everyone has the other side, the part which truly speaks for them. It is this part of us that allows ourselves to look into a mirror and shows what we really are. But my part of story leads me nowhere...

A few accomplishments set the pace for the rest of my life, but much to my dissatisfaction... sometimes expectations overtake your real capabilities and you lose your identity some where in the race to be one among the crowd. Very few of my mentors ever realised that I am interested in something else, I like doing things differently (may not be the best), I do things at my own pace and what not...

My "incompetence" and "lack of commitment" have shown up again yesterday... failure to live up to the deadlines which I have agreed upon... but do they really mean that... may be / may not be... I have my own reasons for being late... there are things which I would have done better given more time, all that I need is interest...

Sometimes memories haunt me... I lost count of the incidents in which I had to confess my mistakes. Even today I don't have the courage to go and accept my fault. These are the things that make me feel ashamed and long for my end. I know it is not very far away... may the remaining days bring in some "life" in to my story...

Lots to write but this is not the place I want to do that...

--buddi
0521
02 - 02 - 2008

IViL Culture

2008-01-28T21:00:00.000+05:30

The following is a light-hearted review of what has been going on IViL from the CARPER. Take it easy...

(1) The RULERS - the two professors who are supposed to be the rulers of this sleeping nation - but they are disturbed while they are asleep once in a while by the Daily Wagers & Armed Forces...

(2) The HIGH BP guys - Guys like Satheesh, Sabapathy and of course the CARPER have been cribbing about the progress in work. Satheesh has learnt using tablets and has got used to the slow pace. Sabapathy other hand is trying to run behind people and make them work. CARPER has lost all hope and shouts at anyone who is showing interest.

(3) The DAILY WAGE guys / DOCTORS - Robo, Swapnil, Srinath and the one and only VIKAS - the four wheels of the "IViL chariot" - they are the most hard-working people of the group, usually end up doing things which no one else would do - they carry the burden of 500 (if not more) sleepy "patriots" and still manage to turn the wheels and help the HIGH BP walas to live a bit longer...

(4) The ARMED FORCES - Amoeba (Pradeep), Ayush, Mudit, Swathi, Mrudula, Vinay, Anil, Anusha - they are the ones who prevent the group from humiliation, often doing work that goes unnoticed they are among the ones who are often taken to task by the HIGH BPs - they may be good at defending the group but not at defending themselves...

(5) The ABOLISHED - rest of the group - they have been termed the abolished by the CARPER for not having done anything that was directly relevant to his work (there could be a few who belong to the ARMED FORCES) - they are the ones who are best at defending themselves but fail to live for the group - they make up the "public face" of the group - slumber is their game...

If you feel you belong to another group defend yourself...

THE CARPER
2100
28-01-2008

When you know you are late...

2008-01-15T17:15:00.000+05:30

To Praveen,

SUB: When you know you are late...

For about seven years, I have felt the presence in every single activity...
perfect, exhaustive, crystal-clear, exploratory, unique, outside the box.. the list goes on. The belief was that the only end could be when you know you have exhausted all the vocabulary, but the end did arrive and in a rather unpleasant way.
On a Sunday morning I wake up only to learn that the end has come, much to the disbelief and shock of thousands of other devotees. It didn't take me too long to realize that I was late. I was late in realizing that I had thrown away chances that came my way, I was late in realizing that I could never buy back those invaluable minutes, I was late in realizing that I was wrong all the way...

The memories of my first Google Search, my first Olympiad paper, my success, my stupidest doubts, my favorite book, racks over flooded with books, the television, the white board.. many many of them... I thought they were all mine. Only after the source departed, I realized that they were never mine. They were bestowed over me along with thousands of others. But alas, I could only see all these diffusing into air in a flash and there was nothing I could do.. may be clinch my fists in desperation and cry over helplessness.

When you know you are late... when you know you can't get back these valuables... all that you can do is learn. Learn to be alert, learn to live for people, learn to utilize every opportunity that comes your way, learn to take the initiative, learn to keep learning... after all, "the best" you had did teach you this before anyone else..

Yourself
buddi

1. In the face of mankind...

2008-01-06T21:06:00.000+05:30

for an enlarged picture - click on the photo

In the face of mankind...

In the painting you are looking at a man's face from a close distance, then you realize that his glasses show something else. This painting is supposed to reflect the present status of mankind. While one part of the population is dwelling in the cities the other part is living in the country side.

In the city you find tall buildings raising into the sky, sun showing up with full intensity and smoky clouds. The tall buildings are the signs of the so-called modern day development. The buildings are tearing into the sky to indicate the "anything is achievable" state of mind. The view is in such an angle that we can't see the ground to indicate the state of "forgetting who we are". The brightness of the sun and the cloud are signs of global warming and pollution respectively. In the city you can't see any people or trees around to indicate the falling levels of concern of people for one another and ever increasing rate of deforestation.

In the country side, there is a pleasant weather. The showering moonlight lits up the clouds and the sky. The clouds look quite clear even in the night. The house is a thatched one and is poorly lit. The person outside is in a joyous mood and trying to count the number of stars (usually dreaming). The tree is there to show how man can live in harmony with nature. But, one of the leaves is drooping - indicative of the fact of the increasing influence of the urban areas. The left part of the countryside is quite dark, it has been intentionally done to show that there is still lots to be explored. On the whole you see more things here in comparison to those in the city to show that there is lots to learn from here.

The size of the glass in which you see the city is smaller compared to the other. This has been done to show two things - first, the human brain, it is shrinking and is repulsive to outside thoughts and second, their present size, cities occupy only a small part of the land (but they do play a major role in deciding the future). The painting shows a leg supporting the glass in which you see the country side. It indicates that these villages are not able to survive on their own, they need help, they are being demolished by the cities.

--buddi

Taare Zameen Par

2007-12-25T22:08:00.001+05:30

aaah... I am not good at writing reviews but this deserves one...

to be simple and straight-forward -

If you have got a heart and if you feel you can listen to your heart-beat,
then this movie is for you... go watch and get back...

watch, feel, enjoy...

INDIAN RAILWAYS AND INDIAN PSYCHOLOGY

2007-12-17T13:55:00.000+05:30

Indian Railways and Indian psychology - each others' fodder

This is being written to express my disgust over each of them... first, the bribing in Indian Railways (IR)- one of the most wide spread and unchecked plague in the single largest employer of the world. Why should a person having paid the whole amount for a waiting list ticket have to bribe the TTI to get a berth confirmed (and if you are not ready to pay, you can be sure that you will never get a berth)??

The fault lies on both the sides... first the public for being such idiots and muddle-heads for failing to realize that they have already more than what is required (as IR records around Rs15000crore of profit yearly). And the second group to be blamed is of course the government employees, who are the Midas-like people - perhaps they don't know that whatever bribe they take is being used to improve their luxury which results in growing their belly and that finally leads to death because of heart-attack or cancer one day. Every rupee they take will move two rupees away from them when in need... people give it a thought...

and one more such instance is the seat sharing part... every person in the waiting list deserves a seat... perhaps the only mistake they would have done was that they booked their tickets late... every passenger has an equal responsibility in helping them out..

keep thinking!!

this article has been left in between...

GRID's 1st year... Dream vs. Reality...

2007-11-28T14:51:00.000+05:30

There is always a difference between a dream and a reality... even if a dream comes true... the following is a critic's account on the work of GRID so far...

1st October, 2006 - I got this wonderful idea of starting a group for rural development and started working on its structure and functioning and less than a week later, I found my first few members (Idli, Kavya and Harsha)... The mood was upbeat, I didn't want friends in the group... I wanted people who talked about work first and then anything else, but I had no other go but to start with friends...

By the end of October, I had answers for almost every question that could be raised about its functioning... the only thing I didn't have was the support... I could already see signs of people losing confidence and interest in the whole idea... I have always believed in hand-picking my team but that was not the case here... then I asked my favorite 3 for their support... Uppi, Uday and Vijju... Uppi for his brilliant management skills and to handle people, he could win over anyone with his words... Uday and Vijay for their excellent ideas and Vijju especially for his expertise in computers for maintaining website and related stuff. Uppi agreed right away but Uday and Vijju agreed to stay out of any direct activity but assured all sorts of help they could...

Meanwhile few others joined and we decided upon the activities we would take up... B-Plans & Projects for a start... we then decided upon 5 topics... 2 of them to be started right away...

In Hyd in my bedroom talking to Uppi and Idli, I got these wonderful ideas of JaRID and the coconut business plan... over the next 3 nights I spent close to 10hrs making rough drafts of the proposals... in the next week I met Ravishankar, the best candidate to work as a team leader for JaRID... and I pulled in Satheesh, the most respectable GRID member for his invaluable comments... I was expecting other people to show some interest to do something about the coconut plan for the fast approaching Genesis Competition... but as the rule goes... no response!!

These were the first signs of myself getting irritated... I always liked the coconut business plan more than JaRID as I have been seeing the plight of the workers, the farmers (even my father) for over 15 years... that was something I could directly relate to... with other mounting pressures I decided to quit JaRID and concentrate more on this... then I started talking to Uday and Kavya about it... never informed anything to anyone else... finally we did something, it wasn't the best but decent enough...

By then I had understood that things were going to become really tough from then... a handful of other ideas had totally flopped... weekly online conferences, weekly discussion on social issues, the projects, proposed trips to ICRISAT and some villages... most of them were limited to the first proposal mail... then Idli came up with this idea of newsletter... it took us more than a month after the finalised deadline to get the first 3 articles... with the promises made by Kavya and Uppi ending up as un-kept ones, I really have no interest to take up another issue of it... effectively there was more work done by Vijay than any other GRID member...

My hatred for the members reached a new high and as a result 5 to 6 members were kicked out... but things never change... except for a new addition Praneeta who has loads of enthusiasm for this, I don't see any future for GRID as a group to exist...

But what was the dream... Where did I get it wrong?

activities... I was looking for a group on whom other Well I was looking for a group of people who would volunteer to do things they can see from the THINGS TO DO list in the website... I was looking for people who were willing to sacrifice some of their spare time for trying to help out fellow Indians... I was looking for a group whose activities would attract funds from outsiders (sufficient for our basic necessities)... I was looking for a hyper-active and huge group which would need a separate team to look after Internal activities... I was looking for a group to volunteer in other NGOs ... I was looking for a group on which NGOs could rely on for technical support... I was looking for a group which would constantly be on trips to some place or the other... I was looking for a group which could hire an agricultural expert for clarification of doubts raised by farmers...

May be I got it wrong everywhere... I just took people for granted...

but one thing remains as a truth... GRID has been my dream, will be in future... just a bunch of non-interested INDIANS can't get me off-track... it may not exist as a group but I will always be there...

--buddi
0642
29-11-2007

Social Issues & Indian Solutions

2007-11-28T14:35:00.000+05:30

SOCIAL ISSUES AND INDIAN SOLUTIONS

Social issues are arguably the most complicated problems ever faced by mankind. Issues ranging from war to drought, all come under this title. India faces a unique challenge in coming up with feasible solutions to these problems. “Unique” in the sense that the receiving end is often suspicious and the bureaucracy is often polluted.

One should agree that, since independence, it has been a slow but decent progress. The time ahead could be the worst phase we could ever think of. Even though it is being termed and projected in a much more attractive way, coming ahead is an era of social crisis, an era of misunderstanding and mismatch of the need and the supply in every means.

In the present context, there is a war building up. A war between sensible citizens, corrupt political circles, environmentalists, social activists, media and so on. Everyone is contributing their part to this mess up. Everyone feels that they are right and their issue is of more importance and needs to be addressed. Even small issues are often blown out of proportion which gives rise to unrest elsewhere.

Only thing we can do is to try to build up a society which is self-sufficient at the lowest level. Self-sufficiency in every sense should be the goal. From water for irrigation to income generation to help in case of calamities everything should be taken care of. The solution seems quite difficult to achieve but with careful planning it is possible and has been proved to be successful in quite a few places.

As a general thought it can be accepted that multi-centered development could always be a success story. This confidence in the idea will help in taking the plan a step forward. As it said a work once started is half done. The whole idea behind this proposal is the thought that prevention is better than cure.

Water management in India can be seen as one of the biggest problem. The first thing that has to be analyzed here is the cause. Cities tend to use more water than they have, in fact more than what the adjacent areas can also supply. It is for the governing bodies to realize that and act responsibly. But the governments tend to show more importance (quite unnecessarily) to the comfort of these income generating pockets and often try to divert river waters and thereby denying the people in the lower basins of the water for agriculture, the very source of income for rural India. The Government has made an effort to implement the rain water harvesting plan in a few of the cities but it has never been taken seriously. The industrial sectors should be made to setup their own water purifying units to put the water to better use

Construction of micro-projects for water management is a wonderful solution for this problem in dry agricultural lands. But the Government seems to be negligent of this fact and the best example of this is the Narmada valley. At a few places the micro-projects have been constructed and are also being run quite successfully. But these are soon going to be submerged. Among other questions to be answered there are also environmental concerns. There was no attempt ever made so far to study the possible disasters of having such a large reservoir of water in that area (those districts are considered delicate points on the earth’s tectonic plates… remember the earthquake of Lathur??).

The relocation of the people for the sake of construction of a water project for the urban people and RELIANCE Industries is a foolish idea in this context. They are submerging thousands of hectares of cultivated land for the sake of cities and industries which are very poor in their water management. Doesn’t it sound ridiculous?? While the government claims to be building this project for the farmers of the dry districts of Gujarat, according to Medha Patkar only 4% of the water that will be diverted will reach the farmers (even if she is not right, the truth is the same).

Well this is just one example of the strategies that often go wrong. But there are a few things that can be appreciated. The plan of the SEZs is an example. The government wants to create centers of self-sufficiency. But there is a problem even with this, they are sacrificing fertile agricultural lands, instead they could go for the utilization of the waste lands. It’s all a matter of clever utilization of the resources we have.

Now how can this be achieved?? Each of these centers should be made autonomous in terms of money and judiciary. For this the governing bodies at the lowest level should be strengthened and be made answerable to the local people. This has the following advantages: (1) the people can answer their needs in a better manner and faster, (2) the people will have a feeling of satisfaction that their money is being put to use for their upliftment. The second point is the main cause of this Telangana controversy, people in coastal regions feel that their money has been poured into Hyderabad which was never of any use to them. But this idea has to be kept under constant check; the people have to be alert and should feel their responsibility.

Every system has its pros and cons, it’s just a matter of how responsible we feel and how sensibly we act. One could always ask me, “There are many great minds at work in the governing bodies, how can you blame them?” I would say, “these great minds are often overpowered by uneducated, politically anxious idiots. Do you think a great mind proposed ‘the free electricity plan’? Do you think a great mind signed off Rs440 millions for water projects without having any idea of where to build a dam? All these are political manipulations for personal gains, which will turn out to be disasters in the future.”

There are many more issues to be argued about… pollution, militancy and terrorism, liquor, reservations in educational and government organizations, taxes, crimes... this list is endless…

You are the best judge for your deeds… think!! Are you eligible to use the water you waste? land you use for constructions? There are many things you will have to answer…

DO THINGS FOR THE RIGHT CAUSE AT THE RIGHT MOMENT.

Jai hind

--buddi
1600
17-06-2007

A Brief History of Time

2007-11-24T20:12:00.001+05:30

A Brief History of Time - Stephen Hawking

Considered as one of the best science books ever written or the record-breaking bestseller... I feel this book deserves more... This is not just an account of latest work in theoretical astrophysics or a textbook on Bing Bang or Black holes (as it is commonly referred to)... It is a work, a masterpiece, a comic for the young aspiring physicists... hard to imagine anything better coming up in the near future.

The book is a real time account of things... it is exactly the way you would study something. Your journey starts with history... Aristotle's view of the Universe and by the time you come down to Einstein in 1910s... you would have met the giants - Ptolemy, Copernicus, Galileo, Kepler, Newton, Hubble and the less popular Olbers, Kant, Popper.

Once the stage is set for what you want to know about... THE UNIVERSE, Hawking takes you on a rough ride through the yester years and the work in the fields of light and General Relativity... the ride is rough in the sense that it is very teasing and requires an alert mind to make out what he is telling. When you feel you have understood things... Hawking takes a look out of the window and says... "HEY!! there is a whole new thing going on there".. here comes Quantum Mechanics. Trying to draw the consequences from both the fields Hawking leads us into trouble... here he says,"I am trying to set things right"...

And rest is the story how he does it... meanwhile he shows you some tools you need to pick up... Its for you to read and enjoy the rest...

Sprinkled with humor and few incidents from his life... all together they make up a 180pg wonder... and Carl Sagan's Introduction just adds to the fun... a must-read book!!

buddi
1207
17-6-2007

Nuclear Physics - an overview

2007-11-24T19:51:00.001+05:30

Actually written for school students... I thought I should put it up here...

Nuclear Physics – a fascinating subject

S PRAVEEN KUMAR

E=mc² ... In class 9, I was taught this simple equation. This is one of the most popular equations of science and it was given by none other than Albert Einstein. What does it mean? It mathematically tells us that mass (which you can see or feel) can be converted to energy (which cannot be seen or felt) and vice-versa. This was given as a part of Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity which talks about things becoming longer, clocks slowing down and many more counter-intuitive and very interesting ideas.

Everyone might have heard about the nucleus. The nucleus has protons (positively charged) and neutrons, but how are they held together? Protons should be repelled by each other, isn't it? They are held together by an enormous force called “Nuclear Force”, which is several times stronger than the Coulomb force of repulsion between the protons. Existence of such a force also implies the presence of an enormous amount of energy. Where does this energy come from? Some of the mass of the nucleus is converted to provide this energy. Nature is clever! The mass lost in the conversion is termed as mass-defect and the energy produced is called binding-energy. More the binding-energy per nucleon more stable the nucleus is (find out the most stable nucleus). It is this binding energy which is of interest for us.

Humans are trying to tap this vast energy using two types of nuclear reactions called nuclear fission and nuclear fusion. Nuclear fission reaction is used in modern day nuclear reactors and the fuel used is uranium, plutonium or thorium. The atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki was based on the same principle. Nuclear fusion reactions have so far been out of human reach. Though we have made the H-Bomb or the Super Bomb which works on this, we are unable to control it and put it to better use. The sun gains all its energy from this reaction. Scientists have been trying to replicate that reaction in a controlled manner. India is a member of the seven member group working on a project called ITER (International Thermonuclear Experiment Reactor) working on these lines. The ITER program is anticipated to last almost 30 years and cost over $13billion, which makes it one of the most expensive modern techno scientific mega projects.

There are also other areas of modern day research going on; these include particle physics, nuclear structure, hadron physics, neutrino physics, nuclear astrophysics and so on. All these began as a part of nuclear physics but today they are vast subjects. They are many research facilities working round the clock in these areas. To name a few CERN, KEK, FERMILAB, Argonne, GSI, SLAC, DESY, Brookhaven, Budker INP, JINR and CEA. Every year billions of dollars are being spent on research in these fields. Can't we put the money to better use is a question always raised. Everything we discover has its pros and cons; it is for us to make a judicious use of the available technology.

---buddi

1830
24-11-2007

90 percentile days revisited...

2007-11-24T04:13:00.000+05:30

This semester so far...

With my working capabilities touching new lows, it becomes more and more necessary for me to set things right before things slip out of control. This is just another account of the same failed promises I made (to myself)...

Every time I write a new entry here or in my personal diary I start out with a new league of promises (perhaps no one knows about them), I consider it to be the last time I would be doing this... but as you see this seems to be a vicious circle...
The latest academic updates include a 'W' grade in a subject (lack of attendence) and I don't how many are to follow.... exams are going on, I will get back with exact figures...

My CGPA had fallen to a disastrous 5.2 at the beginning of this sem, I then thought things could be set right but it wasn't so... this has by far been my toughest sem in IIT and the results I can say will not be very impressive either. All this puts me into a serious doubt of whether I will be able to finish my B.Tech in 4 yrs...

On the contrary, there have been really memorable moments so far... I completed my first research project in nuclear physics and it got selected for the Symposium on Nuclear Physics 2007, which I will be attending in December. My research project has earned me new credentials and contacts and these would assure some project work or the other for the next 3 years atleast... It has also helped me earn a 3-month internship (starting May, 2008) at IGCAR where I will be working on Heat Exchanger Design for nuclear reactors and Reactor Physics.

I took some classes in about 6 schools for class 7, and it was immensely satisfying and enjoyable (after all teaching is what I always wanted to do!!). The group GRID has decided to organise a competition in our school in the last week of December, it is one thing I have always dreamt of... and it has started working, it won't be long before all my dreams are realised. JaRID, born out of my idea as part of GRID work, has made it to the GK3 Forum, where it has been listed in top 100 social entrepeneurship plans in the world... just can't imagine it.

I played football, cricket, tried Kabaddi and also played rugby at 2 in the night. I bought many of my "must-buy" books (though not yet started reading them). Did watch some movies, documentaries... And arguably the best of all, the 5 days I spent with my friends... just can't get better.

Getting back to where I started... I would now say the semester hasn't been so awful, just that I failed again in acads but otherwise it was a great one... I thoroughly enjoyed most of the time... Well all those unkept promises I started are true... let them be safe in my diary as I give myself another chance... if I fail this time... then... lets seee

Did I get back to my 90 percentile days ??
Yes / No / may be / not sure... I would decide it later but what stands in front of me is an enormous task of getting out from IIT... 4 more exams to go for this sem to end.. just hoping to help myself pass in all of those...

--buddi
0455
24-11-2007

P.S. Now that I have started wrting again, the next article of LOOKING BACK will be up soon... just keep your fingers crossed!

Drifting away...

2007-11-07T16:54:00.000+05:30

Its been a really long time since I have written something here. It has been becoming tougher and tougher for me to keep this going and keep up the momentum... I am involuntarily drifting away from all this... unable to keep promises made, unable to realise dreams... I am now totally drained both mentally and physically...

promising that I will be back soon... with something better

Always yours
buddi

The Radio show...

2007-10-19T13:10:00.002+05:30

5. The Radio show...

9th Class..
I can bet everyone has loads of memories of this event... I am among those very few who don't remember much... I will try to put down as many things as possible...

PRE-SHOW PLANNING - what all should we have in the show... and as usual "girls" came up with some hopeless ideas... a few got approved... then Ms.Rajeshwari comments "boys in this class are useless" (not the same words but something similar)... well the warm-blooded guys couldn't take this... then began the real show... the Veerappan interview, all the adds, every single joke enacted (i think a few were given by those girls), the game show, the music show were planned and done by "us"... all that was left for the girls was some background score which was copied from "jingle bells" tune, announcers and lots of places on the dais to be occupied just to add to the confusion...

full credits to Tarun (tatvit das) for that Veerapan interview... he wrote the dialogues.. he became the interviewer and thanks to pp and purri for suggesting that Sastry would play the lead-role... few things from this event... the Khakis which were very lose for Sastry, the fake moustache we had it drawn on his face with pencil (that belonged to a girl).... the famous lines "amma and appa used to call me Veeru", " if you come once again I will kidnap you", the gun which slipped into his pants, the way tarun shivered to gather his kerchief... and the most important part of this was when Ms.Preethi Baskaran, our maths teacher, came to know about Sastry's role and she warned him, "If you don't submit your notebook by tomorrow I will not allow you to participate in the event" and then she turns around and walks into a class.. then Sastry replies quite loudly.. "If you don't allow me, I will kidnap you"... GOD save Sastry!!!

the adds... most of them were recommended by the TWINS and Tija was their actor... headphones which convert teacher's scoldings into sweet music (Krishna was a member of the ELITE group which regularly got a scolding... may be this inspired him to think of this),
some shoes for fast walking (well, the twins joined the lines after the assembly... i don't remember a day when they attended assembly in 9th and 10th... another inspiration)

the music show... "D-section".. if such a hopeless section had it, why shouldn't we have it... for them Arun shankar played tabla... for us the professional Nili (too-much dressing sense i should say) played the violin and believe me it was one of the best part of the show...

the jokes: the casting included naveen (i then called him "bunny"... now i call him "the smiling long man"), tija, dharmendra, myself...(i don't remember others).... I made the announcement "today we are here to entertain you with a few jokes".. but the strange thing no one noticed till date... i was never in any joke...

The anchors were Nirukta and Arpitha... the second one came with a sleeveless yellow dress... i heard some one say "apne aap ko kya samaj rahi hai re!!!".. i think it was uppi... I think there were other girls but it never made any difference...

the game show... A-section had tried it and failed terribly... so it was first ruled out but Tija wanted it badly... so the last day of the rehearsal uppi, tija and myself stayed back, we planned to have one... what about the events??? we had no idea.. "ok lets have some shooting event".... and some other event.... then i told, " i have lots of marbles at home... i will get them, we will see what we can do"... and then we packed for the day...

why did Tija want the game show??? a secret then... he had a crush on Padmini of E-section.. he wanted to have her on stage somehow... but that wasn't very pleasing for me, I thought I will do something for Vijay then... even Vijju was behind the same girl... so we found out their roll numbers... Next day we had some arbitrary shooting event in which the winner shot one balloon (the reason being the balloons were losing air and they didn't blast)... now came the most important part... Uppi called out the first team... on stage the proposed event was - one of them had to throw marbles and the other had to catch them with a bowl... then I thought of something worse right there... one would hand over the marbles one by one, and the other would run across the stage to drop them in a bottle.... Uppi was a silent spectator of all this, he didn't know what was going on... now the job was to see that this team loses... i started the stop watch and called out after 5 seconds "start"... at that very moment i knew it was job half done... i had to call the other team onto the stage... I had set aside the 2 numbers the day before when i made those tokens... I quickly pulled out the numbers and called them... there was a big roar from the E-section... Vijju managed some decent number in the running... and they won... Who do you think was our chief guest??? it was none other than TIJA, he bought big DAIRY MILK chocolates for the winners, all from his pocket money...

the interesting thing was people never thought I was the culprit in the whole thing... Uppi was getting the stick from everyone... in fact he even got a comment from the teacher on this... everytime I heard about this, I had a rather big smile on my face.. no one ever noticed that also....

These were a few moments from our radio-show... once again we proved we were the best one of all sections... 'D' managed a decent show, 'A' put up a bad one... but these were before ours and once we were done with ours.... I didn't care to attend the others...

You would have observed that this article was a bit anti-female.... hehe... ya it was intentional... that was the state of my mind at that time...

NOW.. I don't know...

I tried to copy "VIJAY's style" in writing this... but I don't think I did it with much success....

P.S: sorry, if i have hurt you.. that was then... not now...

The most feared moment..

2007-10-17T21:53:00.001+05:30

4. The most feared moment...

10th class...

there was a row to the right of the class directly facing the window beside the board... It was ours...

Ajinkya and Rahul in the first..
Ramu and Tarun in the second...
Nili and ?? in the third.. Uday and Vijju were seated behind them while uppi and I shared the last bench... It was the best seating arrangement possible... these pairs had been formed over the previous couple of years (the first bench was new to school...)... not that we didn't like the others but we had that extra bit of it for our partner...

I should admit that I was a bit jealous of Uday... he had pulled Vijay towards him... he had pulled the Vijay with whom I spent every moment of school till then... (vijju and me had been classmates since LKG...).. uday and vijju were so much attached to each other that they would not play any sport if they were in opposite teams... well the distance between our places was less than a feet but it mattered...

Even Uday meant a lot to me... we had done wonders in the 3yrs of our friendship (though we were in the same class for 4yrs..) in fact I and Vijju moved to SM because Uday was in SM, and for that I had to give up SV... I had been in SV for 11yrs.. some special liking for it..

we all had big plans for the new year... GEOMAP, Inter-House, Class Football, other team events...

we all had this habit of teasing some guy or the other... all of us would unite to tease one... Nili was the most frequent sufferer... he never replied back... one day it became a bit too much... everyone could see the change in his face, most of us stopped.. but uday went on, vijju had become a bit concerned over the whole issue... he asked to uday to stop at once... in fact it was quite loud... but uday had got carried away... this resulted in a heated argument... the only thing others could do was watch, hoping things will settle, they were the closest of friends.. no one ever expected this...

around the same time, we heard the school bell... there was silence, shock... Vijju left off without a word... then Uday came up to me and shouted, "it is over ra... no GEOMAP this year" and then he left... I couldn't utter a word... where did it start and where did it go... everyday Vijju, purri, uppi and I went home together, but that day Vijju went alone... Uppi and I went together that day... both knew what was running in our minds but we couldn't talk to each other... near Uppi's house, on the road Uppi finally came up with a few words, "everything will be alright, I am sure you will get a call from both of them, by the time you go home"... Tears were ready to roll down... I somehow managed to hide them from Uppi...

After I reached home, I went straight to the bathroom... sat down weeping... many things seemed to run in front of me... the COKE tin we shared, our runs on the roads of Osmania University, the wonderful SHADNAGAR trip, our celebrations after we won GEOMAP the previous year, the LAYS packet uday used to buy every time we went out... I thought it was all over... after about 15 min my mother asked me "what are you doing for so long?? theres not even a sound..."

After I went out, I heard the phone ringing... I prayed to every GOD that it should be Uday and it was... he was sorry for what had happened.. he had talked to Vijju and everything was fine... I was relieved!!!

and then everything went back to normal... in fact we had a small laugh over all this the next day... but it was the most feared moment of my life... many things happened after that, but this was the worst...

Well, Uday was right... fights strengthen friendship... and this story should be a memory not something you would feel bad about every time you thought of it...

today I can bet you wouldn't see a better trio than ours... you wouldn't find any in future...