Sleepless nights at SVYM

This is a part of the letter to few of my friends and a teacher... I am yet to post the letter, felt like putting it up here.

It has been quite a few days since I have slept well in my room here at SVYM.. too many thoughts, too many things to do. I am having sleepless night here. Feels very awkward to say this and I have not been too successful to put my thoughts together. So much confusion in life around me, even greater confusion in my life.

Things have not been too good in the world around. A group of kids (may be some 12yrs old) trying to blow out some smoke onto my face from thrown away cigarette filters, a student securing 9/625 in SSLC exams, a politician making 700cr a day, BEO asking for extra bills so that he could pocket the extra funds, a cabinet minister sexually assaulting his friend's wife, naxalites brutally murdering 73 jawans, a corrupt Chief Justice of a high court being transferred to another, a school with a single teacher who handles 4 subjects for the students, corruption beyond imagination, a 52yr old citizen turning into a traitor and spy, thousands dying of starvation when rice is being sold at Rs2/kg, crores of crores rupees of black money (an estimated amount of 75 lakh crores is in Swiss bank accounts and Indian budget is of the order a lakh crores), a hungry kid feeding his dog, an elderly man crying helplessly for his ill wife, an eloping couple, and so on. The last three months of travelling have shown me life beyond the safe haven I had lived in.

It has been a testing time for me, the last few days - a test of humanness. Eating food and spending money has become a bit difficult now. I just can't digest the fact that there is so much going wrong around us. I hate myself for being a part of this system - we have to go and lick that BEO's *** from tomorrow to try to help a few students. We all form a society and almost everyone accepts that what is going on is not right, but can't take that one step to help someone. No one can be blamed, it is the sad part in this world... people follow. We need an inspiration to lead us.

I am a part of a NGO, I thought I was helping people but there is so much missing. "A caring and equitable society free of deprivation and strife" thats our vision - sweet and far far away. What good am I when I can't make even one person's life free of deprivation and strife. We have several tools to support us, we just need to make the right use - education, courts, RTI and above all having faith that justice will done. We have to tear apart the evils which plague us generation after generation.

The solitude and the climate I enjoy here is something that reminds me of my native place. They give me the space to try to understand the dynamics of life. In those cloudless nights, somewhere in the darkness around me, there is a great deal happening that eludes me.. I have have found some inspiration and energy to look beyond my "career" (this is my career and would be this way). Some day I would like to make myself happy feeding that hungry kid, helping that old woman, help that student pass SSLC, use at least a bit of the available money to help the deprived... I hope to, no matter where that takes me and what it costs. May be thats what is soul searching!

--buddi

0211

07 - 05 - 2010

PS: I am still writing the letter, will finish it soon.