A New Place...

3. To the land where I belong

I had stepped into an puddle and slipped... I fell flat. I was sure I had a bleeding knee. As the last the boogie went past me... I could see shocked faces staring at me...

The good thing at this age is that, though you are physically much weaker you are mentally much stronger, there is nothing new... be it people staring at you, shouting at you, throwing suggestions, these wounds, Oh.. I have had many many wounds and this was no different! Slowly I helped myself up and quickly collected my baggage. As I was doing someone came running to me, "Ayyo, ayyo!!"... .

The man seemed to be the station master. He sounded very concerned. He quickly helped me find some shelter... I was taking my time. The thoughts of the fall were still running in the back of my mind and wasn't really concentrating what was being told to me. Innumerable questions were thrown at me, the one that made sense was about why I got down there. Meanwhile I pulled out a towel from my bag and wiped off all the mud and used some water to clean up the wound. I knew this was the first of many to come. Not a bad start, I thought. I was waiitng for the rain to slow down a bit... meanwhile there was a quick flash of thoughts of how I started out... I was lost in those thoughts.

I was suddenly disturbed by a lightning, as if to tell me that I had some work to do. I had fallen asleep, a short pleasant one. The station master was gone. The platform looked absolutely deserted. Now I had to start, I was getting late. As I made my way into the water outside the so-called station, I looked for some transport facilities. Absolutely nothing... Oh God! why did I get down here... This thought was a bit painful one. Repent - the one thing that can kill anyone! It feels good to give a comment on every feeling of fine but in the end I don't want to become some whom I hate...

Almost no human movement was visible.. except for a small group of people having some tea about a 50 metres from where I was. The very thought I might get something to eat made me feel hungry. I did find some idlis lying in the hot pack but the neatness wasn't very pleasing... as I was having my breakfast I was observing how those tea glasses were being washed and put back into use. The thought that tea will be served in those was making me feeling uncomfortable. Aah! I was getting to those old days... no.. not any more. But I have to accept that immaterial of how the food was served, I did enjoy the food.

Then I took a road, which seemed to be the only one, hoping that I will find something... on the way I inquired from a few people but their answers were not very encouraging. As I was trying hard to convince my old legs to keep going I found some help. I met some one who changed the course of my journey. I met some one whom I believed right from our first meeting... not a friend of mine, someone different!

--buddi

0347

08 - 12 - 2008

The journey continues...

2. The journey continues...

It had started drizzling outside. I could see myself running along those slippery boundaries of the paddy fields, sitting under those big tamarind trees after getting totally drenched, playing kabaddi beside the temple, races to cross the muddy trench, running along the roads to have a plate of bhajji... tonnes and tonnes of those moments. All of them in rain. Memories are a good thing to have. Sometimes I am into this doubt - was it all real? or, was I just dreaming? There is a line dividing dreams and reality... in the run all these years I have forgotten the line. I often dream about getting back to my friends, getting back to my old days... I don't know when I got separated from them. It is a dream... hope it always isn't!

Dreaming is a healthy sign... at least you know that somewhere within you the spirit is still alive. Everyone dreams and everyone has the right to dream... but what you dream could vary from the sweetest dreams to your struggle for survival in this world. I once dreamt of being a good doctor, a good citizen and what not. But today I feel I have been torn apart... Of all the people I see around, there is hardly any one who has been behind their dreams. The kids working in these stations, the kids polishing shoes, the kids selling tea, what have they done to be deprived of all those wonderful dreams of childhood...

Oops.. an alarm! My watch shows 8am... time for my BP tablets. Suddenly the alarm had broken my chain of thoughts. I don't know how these tablets work on me. My doctor tells me that one tablet a day helps keep my BP in control... I doubt that. I always feel I was more warm blooded during my college days, now I am all the more passive to insult... and high BP?? They don't go together! Yesterday's was the last tablet I had taken... at least I want freedom from these.

Oh.. what was I thinking about? I missed it... will recollect it in a while. But whatever it was, I know it was yet another confession. Memories... memories... they haunt you... they are something you relish... they are something that will make you cry. But one thing is true, every memory is a moment you had lived... so there is nothing like you can't.

The train was slowing down... further delay... damn! The place looks very scenic... barely visible green hills in the backdrop, the track some 10ft above the surrounding area, dim light, drizzling... A couple of huts were now visible. A yellow board having the name "Kuttulu"... is this a station? I was looking for the platform... can't find any. A beautiful village.. with hardly any houses in the vicinity. A excellent place to be at - I thought. It was indeed very intoxicating. Should I get down here? Why did the train stop here? Where am I going to stay? Did the train stop for me? I don't think so. Everyone looked disturbed seeing that the train stopped there. I was telling myself to get down and that this was the place to be. But I didn't know any one here... in fact I never heard of this place. Yes.. No.. Yes.. No.. My thoughts were going no where. The horn was blown... the train was going to start. I didn't want to repent once again in life... I decided I would get down.

I quickly pulled my bags and ran for the door... the train had started moving. I pushed my bags out... I didn't ever care to see where they fell. It was now my turn, the train had gained good speed. I doubted whether I could make it... without wasting much time I set my foot on the ground and tried my best to keep up with the speed of the train. Not quite there.... THUD!

--buddi
0443
17 - 11 - 2008

To the land where I belong

Photo Credits: Purri (taken from a moving train Jan, 2008)

1. To the land where I belong

The red sun, a vast expanse of green paddy fields with a faint fog, the scarecrows, the thatched roofs, the cattle, the canals, the odour of the dung, the metal roads, the tobacco leaves... aah! I can already feel my heart pounding. This journey never seemed to be so long, I had been on this route for all my life but still it has been a long one... another 100 miles to go! I had spent the whole night sitting by the window for this air, “this is where I belong”. Suddenly a sense of belongingness! The cold breeze is cutting through my old-wrinkled skin, as I put on my sweater I imagine myself standing in those fields with open arms... as free as I was as a kid, as free I want to be...

It has been a long life, always doing something for my tomorrow. I am here now, nothing more to do, no where to go... In this part of your life, everything seems to come to a halt suddenly. You realise that you no longer are going to take the same crowded bus to your office, you no longer share lunch with your colleagues, no more of those jokes over a coffee... the day you retire, everything that has been a habit for over 30yrs is all gone. The first few days after that are the worst, unable to decide what to do, unable to ask for help, “I was driven crazy”. Thats the time when you think, you dig into your life... what have you done for yourself?

That one question has set me on this journey. My journey to find home. My journey to find my soul, I had dropped somewhere in this countryside. At this age, when I don't know when my body is going to give up... all that I long for is 'life'. Life in its simplest forms... I hope to find some company in these fields, in these streams, ponds and whatever is here. “This is where I belong” feels really good to say that. It is going to be my home for as long as I live. All of life is about finding 'home', a home where you get the love you crave for and the peace which we all seek.

Whenever this thought runs across my mind it does bring a smile on my face, “but what am I going to do there?” I have no idea of that... may be play, may be sing, may be dance, may be write... absolutely anything that reminds me that “I am alive”. I have nothing to give to this world now. When I look at the others in the compartment, everyone in their own world, I see myself among them. I was as ignorant as everyone here is, except for the kid whose dreams are still undisturbed by this cruel world!

My name is Ravi. I am going home...

--buddi
0801
09 – 11 – 2008