Monday, February 18, 2008

Whats the fun in being a cynic?




What is the fun in being a cynic? Not many have asked me this but I guess many would be wondering, after few of their bitter encounters with me. "But why" is a big question to be answered!

Some have attached me with the negative responses so deeply that they went ahead calling it Praveen's TM... that leaves me a lot confused. Is this what I was looking for? Well, looking at the story from side it is actually irritating to be named critic, cynic, carper, adverse... People got it wrong, I got it wrong.

After the destructive work I have done to myself, now there is no looking back. But, I can assure people one thing - there was some intention behind making a fool out of myself...

Some time back, I made a few promises to my favorite lecturer. I never forgot my promise but I never kept my word. It was always - "I will do it tomorrow". It went on for almost 2 years. Then one day when I woke up I got the news that he was no more... Since that day the guilt that I couldn't keep my word has been pinching me... there was nothing I could do, all was over. I was late, I hated myself for this reason. It was then that I decided that I will do justice to every promise I make.

As a member of GRID & IViL I promised myself that I will strive to do whatever I can to help in the rural development. I had to live upto promises I made to myself. Today, I usually take the critic's side just to ensure that anything that we do suceeds... at least there shouldn't be anything half-hearted...

But, was I doing it constructively??

I don't know... what is the point in being the blockade in every move made by the team?
May be I should stop... May be I should leave it to the discretion of the team to decide what is right or wrong... May be I should play the role of a humble volunteer doing jobs indicated by the team... What is the point in acting? What is the point in killing my reality??

Better play it safe...

--buddi
0028
18 - 2 - 2008

Thursday, February 7, 2008

What You Know...

In a classroom...
You may not know the date,
You may not know which lesson is going on,
You may not know the person sitting next to you,
You may not know the person teaching you,
You may not know the meaning of a word,
You may not know how to solve a problem,
You may not know when your exam is,
You may not know whether you are going to pass,
You may not know...

But you always know one thing,
You know yourself,
Just be you... the special one


--buddi
07 - 02 - 2008
0841

Saturday, February 2, 2008

The WALDEN


FROM WALDEN
by HENRY DAVID THOREAU

"WHERE I LIVED, & WHAT I LIVED FOR"

When first I took up my abode in the woods, that is, began to spend my nights as well as days there, which, by accident, was on Independence Day, or the fourth of July, 1845, my house was not finished for winter, but was merely a defense against the rain, without plastering or chimney, the walls being of rough weather-stained boards, with wide chinks, which made it cool at night. The upright white hewn studs and freshly planed door and window casings gave it a clean and airy look, especially in the morning, when its timbers were saturated with dew, so that I fancied that by noon some sweet gum would exude from them….

I was seated by the shore of a small pond, about a mile and a half south of the village of Concord and somewhat higher than it, in the midst of an extensive wood between that town and Lincoln, and about two miles south of that our only field known to fame, Concord Battle Ground; but I was so low in the woods that the opposite shore, half a mile off, like the rest , covered with wood, was my most distant horizon. For the first week, whenever I looked out on the pond it impressed me like a tarn high up on the side of a mountain, its bottom far above the surface of other lakes, and, as the sun arose, I saw it throwing off its nightly clothing of mist, and here and there, by degrees, its soft ripples or its smooth reflecting surface was revealed, while the mists, like ghosts, were stealthily withdrawing in every direction into the woods, as at the breaking up of some nocturnal conventicle. The very dew seemed to hang upon the trees later into the day than usual, as on the sides of mountains….

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartanlike as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and to be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion. For most men, it appears to me, are in a strange uncertainty about it, whether it is of the devil or of God, and have somewhat hastily concluded that it is the chief end of man here to “glorify God and enjoy him forever.”

Still we live meanly, like ants, though the fable tells us that we were long ago changed into men; like pygmies we fight with cranes; it is error upon error, and clout upon clout, and our best virtue has for its occasion a superfluous and evitable wretchedness. Our life is frittered away by detail. An honest man has hardly need to count more than his ten fingers, or in extreme cases he may add his ten toes, and lump the rest. Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity! I say, let your affairs be as two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand, instead of a million count half a dozen, and keep your accounts on your thumbnail. In the midst of this chopping sea of civilized life, such are the cloud and storms and quicksands and thousand and one items to be allowed for, that a man has to live, if he would not founder and go to the bottom and not make his port at all, by dead reckoning, and he must be a great calculator indeed who succeeds. Simplify, simplify. Instead of three meals a day, if it be necessary eat but one; instead of a hundred dishes, five; and reduce other things in proportion…

Why should we live with such hurry and waste of life? We are determined to be starved before we are hungry. Men say that a stitch in time saves nine, and so they take a thousand stitches today to save nine tomorrow. As for work, we haven’t any of any consequence….

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. I drink at it; but while I drink I see the sandy bottom and detect how shallow it is. Its thin current slides away, but eternity remains. I would drink deeper; fish in the sky, whose bottom is pebbly with stars. I cannot count one. I know not the first letter of the alphabet. I have always been regretting that I was not as wise as the day I was born. The intellect is a cleaver; it discerns and rifts its way into the secret of things. I do not wish to be any more busy with my hands than is necessary. My head is hands and feet. I feel all my best faculties concentrated in it. My instinct tells me that my head is an organ for burrowing, as some creatures use their snout and forepaws, and with it I would mine and burrow my way through these hills. I think that the richest vein is somewhere hereabouts; so by the divining rod and thin rising vapors I judge; and here I will begin to mine.

from Solitude

Men frequently say to me, “I should think you would feel lonesome down there, and want to be nearer to folks, rainy and snowy days and nights especially.” I am tempted to reply to such, This whole earth which we inhabit is but a point of space. How far apart, think you, dwell the two most distant inhabitants of yonder star, the breadth of whose disk cannot be appreciated by our instruments? Why should I feel lonely? Is not our planet in the Milky Way? This which you put seems to me not to be the most important question. What sort of space is that which separates a man from his fellows and makes him solitary? I have found that no exertion of the legs can bring two minds much nearer to one another.

from The Pond in Winter

Every winter the liquid and trembling surface of the pond, which was so sensitive to every breath, and reflected every light and shadow, becomes solid to the depth of a foot or a foot and a half, so that it will support the heaviest teams, and perchance the snow covers it to an equal depth, and it is not to be distinguished from any level field. Like the marmots in the surrounding hills, it closes it eyelids and becomes dormant for three months or more. Standing on the snow-covered plain, as if in a pasture amid the hills, I cut my way first through a foot of snow, and then a foot of ice, and open a window under my feet, where, kneeling to drink, I look down in to the quiet parlor of the fishes, pervaded by a softened light as through a window of ground glass, with its bright sanded floor the same as in summer; there a perennial waveless serenity reigns as in the amber twilight sky, corresponding to the cool and even temperament of the inhabitants. Heaven is under our feet as well as over heads.

from Spring

One attraction in coming to the woods to live was that I should have leisure and opportunity to see the Spring come in. The ice in the pond at length begins to be honeycombed, and I can set my heel in it as I walk. Fogs and rains and warmer suns are gradually melting the snow; the days have grown sensibly longer; and I see how I shall get through the winter without adding to my woodpile, for large fires are no longer necessary. I am on the alert for the first signs of spring, to hear the chance not of some arriving bird, or the striped squirrel’s chirp, for his stores must be now nearly exhausted, or see the woodchuck venture out of his winter quarters….

…The change from storm and winter to serene and mild weather, from dark and sluggish hours to bright and elastic ones, is a memorable crisis which all things proclaim. It is seemingly instantaneous at last. Suddenly an influx of light filled my house, though the evening was at hand, and the clouds of winter still overhung it, and the eaves were dripping with sleety rain. I looked out the window and lo! where yesterday was cold gray ice there lay the transparent pond already calm and full of hope as in a summer evening, reflecting a summer evening sky in its bosom, though none was visible overhead, as if it had intelligence with some remote horizon.

from Conclusion

I left the woods for as good a reason as I went there. Perhaps it seemed to me that I had several more lives to live, and could not spare any time for that one. It is remarkable how easily and insensibly we fall into a particular route, and make a beaten track for ourselves. I had not lived there a week before my feet wore a path from my door to the pond side; and though it is five or six years since I trod it, it is still quite distinct. It is true, I fear, that others may have fallen into it, and so helped to keep it open. The surface of the earth is soft and impressible by the feet of men; and so with the paths which the mind travels. How worn and dusty, then, must be the highways of the world, how deep the ruts of tradition and conformity! I did not wish to take a cabin passage, but rather to go before the mast and on the deck of the world, for there I could best see the moonlight amid the mountains. I do not wish to go below now.

I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them….

Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed and in such desperate enterprises? If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.

They do...




They make me live
They make me wait for death
They show reason in survival
They show the nearing end

They keep haunting me
they keep encouraging me
they keep me occupied
they make me jobless
they make me think
they make me run away
they make me love
they make me hate
they make me proud
they make me ashamed

they made what I am
they make what I will be
they made what was
they make what is coming

what are they?

Memories... Memories make you what you are...
But why do I need them?

may be to remind me of the innumerable promises I made to myself and people around me, to remind me of the many relishing moments I had, to remind me of the bitter incidents in life...

After referring to them countless number of times and after many many sleepless nights thinking of my accomplishments and my failures, it is back to the same old story - What next?

It is easy to be acting as the careless guy but I am sure everyone has the other side, the part which truly speaks for them. It is this part of us that allows ourselves to look into a mirror and shows what we really are. But my part of story leads me nowhere...

A few accomplishments set the pace for the rest of my life, but much to my dissatisfaction... sometimes expectations overtake your real capabilities and you lose your identity some where in the race to be one among the crowd. Very few of my mentors ever realised that I am interested in something else, I like doing things differently (may not be the best), I do things at my own pace and what not...

My "incompetence" and "lack of commitment" have shown up again yesterday... failure to live up to the deadlines which I have agreed upon... but do they really mean that... may be / may not be... I have my own reasons for being late... there are things which I would have done better given more time, all that I need is interest...

Sometimes memories haunt me... I lost count of the incidents in which I had to confess my mistakes. Even today I don't have the courage to go and accept my fault. These are the things that make me feel ashamed and long for my end. I know it is not very far away... may the remaining days bring in some "life" in to my story...

Lots to write but this is not the place I want to do that...

--buddi
0521
02 - 02 - 2008