For the last 10 days I have been into something I always wanted to… but somehow I feel lost. I feel I am unable to give my best… as low as 50% of what I am capable of, with time and struggle I may get it to 70… BUT where is the remaining going….
I DON’T KNOW!!
Looking back into those days when I was above the 90 percentile mark (tenth and intermediate)… the days which I call “THE 90 PERCENTILE DAYS” … I feel I was a different person then. I was wasting time, playing and wondering if I was doing the right thing but still when I felt like studying (rarely though), I wanted to and I could give my best. I wanted to make people around me feel the punch in losing in my hands… then it was not just a matter of beating them but by how much margin I beat them. This may seem childish but seriously I wanted people to feel the pain… from my classmates to the lecturers… I didn’t care who it was. I enjoyed doing that. I never felt like studying maths but I was still behind lecturers showing them that I could always come up with something more logical and elegant. When it came to physics I wanted to be the best.
I was mentally very strong and committed then. Once I made my mind to get 40/40 in physics in a weekly EAMCET exam, but could manage only 38/40, losing 2 marks for blunders I couldn’t afford to make. I couldn’t sleep for a couple of nights after that just because I threw away a chance to get 40. It wasn’t mere liking I had for few things but it was passion for those… as if it were a life and death question.
No matter how rarely I showed my interest in studies, I feel I was at my very best.
It has been a different story all along for the last three semesters. I have been very passive to things around me. I got used to those boundary cases in my subjects (including physics), I got used to getting ill, I got used to bunking classes, I got used to my knee injury, I got used to my horrible room, I got used to the warnings from my parents, I got addicted to drinking coffee, I got addicted to play football (not any more), I rarely participate in any competition, I got used to the confusion all around me…
All I know now is that, even if I decide to do something, I am not going to complete it. Right now pondering over things takes away most of my time even while studying…
Today I know that if my project goes right till 22nd January, I will get the opportunity to attend INPC 2007 at Tokyo. I also know that my father has ordered me to drop any idea of attending any conference or anything related to nuclear physics (reason: poor performance in the third semester).
How can I get to my best if I always have this duality in my mind?
I have got so used to defeats and humiliations that I don’t mind one more. May be that’s the way it has to go on. What difference does it make to lose in IIT or in nuclear physics when nothing can keep me busy and happy?
buddi0920
30-12-2006
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